Funny - Funny - Funny!

STL20102SS · 09-30-2010, 12:14 PM

This was sent to me by a friend so, I thought I would share it with everyone

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best…

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it jerk-face, reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION .. . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE HELL!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Michael_Js · 09-30-2010, 02:54 PM

HILARIOUS!!

Numb nut!

2010SSRSM6 · 09-30-2010, 05:42 PM

Wow! I was crying from laughing so hard! Awesome.

BlessedChef10 · 09-30-2010, 05:47 PM

LMAO!

CamaroSkooter · 09-30-2010, 05:56 PM

Oh wow. That is epic.

aet08 · 09-30-2010, 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by STL20102SS

Apparently I pooped on myself

LOL

motorhead · 09-30-2010, 06:00 PM

Funny story. Saw this posted on here a couple of months ago.

Bonnie · 09-30-2010, 06:04 PM

( My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it)

That statement right there was my favorite part!!!! LMFAO!!!!

WOLFINN_2SS · 09-30-2010, 10:06 PM

Gawd dang...! aaaaahahahahahahahahaaaa!

WOLFINN_2SS · 09-30-2010, 10:19 PM

It's been a while now and I AM STILL LAUGHING!!! HILARIOUS!

Masta T · 09-30-2010, 10:44 PM

somehow this reminds me of *the hangover*

v6sonoma · 10-01-2010, 03:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bonnie

( My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it)

That statement right there was my favorite part!!!! LMFAO!!!!

RUN PQ! RUN!! LOL

Awesome_SS · 10-01-2010, 09:47 AM

Yeah, my brother-in-law is a cop and asked me if I wanted to try out his tazer to see what it felt like, because I was asking a lot curious questions about it. When i asked him to describe it(because he has tried it), he said, "It feels like the devil is all over you". My reply, "NO THANKS"!

SlowSS · 10-01-2010, 09:59 AM

Damn I'm glad I read this!! I was actually thinking about buying one for my wife (since she wont own a gun)....I must say that I probably would have done the samething just to make sure it works as well

^^ Those Tazers are no joke!!

09-30-2010, 12:14 PM	#1
STL20102SS Drives: SW 2010 2SS/RS Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: St. Charles, MO Posts: 494 View My Garage	Funny - Funny - Funny! This was sent to me by a friend so, I thought I would share it with everyone Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best… I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it jerk-face, reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION .. . . WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative. IT HURT LIKE HELL! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

09-30-2010, 02:54 PM	#2
Michael_Js SoCal C5 Family Member Drives: 2010 Camaro SS/RS - Black w/IOM; 6M Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: San Diego, CA, USA Posts: 5,298 View My Garage	HILARIOUS!! Numb nut! __________________ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 2010 Black 2SS/RS; 6M; IOM, GFX, sunroof; ADM Race CAI; Zoomers CB; Viper Alarm; Pdaft F&R sways, Adj Endlinks, Rtrailing arms, Camber kit, strut brace, Front Trailing Arm Bushing; SLP Skip-Shift Elim; Tinted lights/windows; Hurst Short-throw; LoJack; Door & Dash ABL Mods; ********; JBA Shorty headers; AACStyle LEDs; Stillen DS rotors, Hawk Ceramic pads; Havoc Blk Chrome wheels: 20x9s; Lingenfelter Blk Al Pedals; RevXtreme Catch Can; Goodridge SS lines; Ported TB; RK Sport hood; Hotchkis chassis brace; KW V3 coilovers;

09-30-2010, 05:42 PM	#3
2010SSRSM6 Drives: My wife crazy with my C5 usage. Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: DFW Posts: 6,553 View My Garage	Wow! I was crying from laughing so hard! Awesome. __________________ UNDER CONSTRUCTION......again......

09-30-2010, 05:47 PM	#4
BlessedChef10 BLESSEDCHEF10 Drives: 2010 2lt camaro rs Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: west hills,ca Posts: 696 View My Garage	LMAO! __________________

09-30-2010, 05:56 PM	#5
CamaroSkooter Retarded One-Legged Owl Drives: 2010 Black Camaro 2SS Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: San Antonio, TX Posts: 9,745	Oh wow. That is epic. __________________ My VIN = 2G1FK1EJ9A9105017 Build Date: 04-23-2009 according to: http://www.compnine.com/vid.php

09-30-2010, 06:00 PM	#7
motorhead Drives: Love the one you're with Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Downtown Charlie Brown Posts: 11,849	Funny story. Saw this posted on here a couple of months ago.

09-30-2010, 06:04 PM	#8
Bonnie Bonfyre Drives: C6, 2005 Corvette Join Date: Sep 2009 Location: Mobile, AL Posts: 2,845	( My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it) That statement right there was my favorite part!!!! LMFAO!!!! __________________

09-30-2010, 10:06 PM	#9
WOLFINN_2SS Wuf! Wuf! Low Growl Drives: 2011 2SS/RS M6 IBM/S HUD SR ATAK Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: The Country of Texas Posts: 1,182	ROTFLFMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gawd dang...! aaaaahahahahahahahahaaaa! __________________ Run with the C5 Pack!! Semper Fi ! Drive, Drive, Drive!! :flag2:

09-30-2010, 10:19 PM	#10
WOLFINN_2SS Wuf! Wuf! Low Growl Drives: 2011 2SS/RS M6 IBM/S HUD SR ATAK Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: The Country of Texas Posts: 1,182	It's been a while now and I AM STILL LAUGHING!!! HILARIOUS! __________________ Run with the C5 Pack!! Semper Fi ! Drive, Drive, Drive!! :flag2:

09-30-2010, 10:44 PM	#11
Masta T coco puff power yo! Drives: 2005 350z tt, 2010 bmw 328i Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: North carolina Posts: 240	somehow this reminds me of the hangover __________________ *dub or scrub*

10-01-2010, 09:47 AM	#13
Awesome_SS Jeff Drives: 2010 Camaro SS/RS Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Williamsburg, Va Posts: 659	Yeah, my brother-in-law is a cop and asked me if I wanted to try out his tazer to see what it felt like, because I was asking a lot curious questions about it. When i asked him to describe it(because he has tried it), he said, "It feels like the devil is all over you". My reply, "NO THANKS"!

10-01-2010, 09:59 AM	#14
SlowSS Drives: 2013 Camaro 2SS/RS 1LE Join Date: Sep 2010 Location: Commerce, GA Posts: 3,873	Damn I'm glad I read this!! I was actually thinking about buying one for my wife (since she wont own a gun)....I must say that I probably would have done the samething just to make sure it works as well ^^ Those Tazers are no joke!!

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