Joke tellin' page

[vincewalthers]

Originally Posted by hot_rod

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Australia has got to be my favorite! haha

[hot_rod]

Come on folks, 10 days since an update, that just not right...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three friends are down the bar. Bill and Joe are arguing about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third guy, John, says nothing.

After a while, Bill turns to John and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control have you got?"

"I'll tell you," John replies. "Just the other night my wife came crawling to me on her hands and knees."

The other two were absolutely amazed. "What happened then?", Joe asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!!!".

[custompainter]

A guy and his wife have been traveling along the same road for hours. the wife has been complaining for miles that she has to go to the bathroom,but they are on a busy road with no pullouts and very narrow shoulders. Pretty soon they come to a bridge with an emergency pull off. The husband says"Looks like this is the only place we can pull off the road so you can relieve yourself honey" To which the wife replies "But people will be able to see me!" "No problem" the husband says,"Just sit up on the top rail and pee over the side, Ill hold my coat up so nobody can see you." "Well ok" the wife replies.
So she gets up on the top rail and the husband holds his coat up for her. About halfway through, the wife looks down and says "Oh look honey, theres a man in a canoe down there","I hope I dont pee on him". The husband looks over the rail and says, "Dont worry dear, thats just your reflection"!

[Lawdog1911]

Weather
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a huge load of firewood'

[midnighter]

Why did the football player get mad for laughing? Check it out.....

[CamaroCowboy]

A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said “You cannot do this, I’m a United States Congressman!”
The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”

[CamaroCowboy]

A sad man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks him what the problem is.
“My life is awful,” the man says. “Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me.”
“Well, why don't you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?” the bartender asks.
“I love the game,” the man says. “I'm a genius. I never lose.”
The bartender is confused. “I thought you just said your wife beats you.”
“Well,” the man says, “she's a sore loser.”

[CamaroCowboy]

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
Both offer very little support!

[CamaroCowboy]

One evening, two Alabama State Trooper patrol cars were in hot pursuit of a Chevy Camaro going east on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect vehicle crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.
The rookie Trooper pulled over right behind him and asked, “Hey Sarge, why the heck did you stop? We almost had that guy and his girlfriend.”
The Sarge replied, “You stupid rookie! That Camaro is in Georgia now. They are an hour ahead of us, so we’ll never be able to catch ‘em.”

[CamaroCowboy]

John, Paul, Peter and Thomas reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.
John says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
Paul says: Damn, that’s terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
Peter says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons.
Thomas who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked:
What’s going on, what are all the congratulations for? John said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son?
Thomas replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.
John, Paul and Peter said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.
Thomas replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy.
And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.

[CamaroCowboy]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Green, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, “Rodney, what's your problem?”
Rodney answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Green had had enough. She took Rodney to the principal's office. While Rodney waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Green he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Rodney was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Rodney: “9″.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Rodney: “36″.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Green and tells her, “I think Rodney can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Green says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.” The principal and Rodney both agreed.
Ms. Green asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Rodney, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Green: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Rodney replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Green: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Rodney: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Green: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Rodney: “Pants”
Ms. Green: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Rodney: “Bubble gum”
Ms. Green: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Rodney: “Firetruck”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Green: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Rodney: “Shake hands.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Rodney in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!”

[hot_rod]

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.
Scott's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Scott replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Scott his reward, he stops her by saying...
"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Scott interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"




and that's the last thing he remembered after waking up in the hospital.

[TIE FIGHTR]

Face it, after Monday and Tuesday...even the calendar says WTF.

[TIE FIGHTR]

Oldie but goody:




An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on
the previous day.
The doctor asked 'What happened?' and the man explained...
'Well, doc, it's like this-- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin'
it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'