Joke tellin' page

[hot_rod]

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?

Knock on the hatch....

[hot_rod]

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

[Z28RockStar]

Originally Posted by Dave Coyle

A young boy is walking around in the walmart store lost from his grandfather when a clerk asks if he is O.K. The little boy said, "Yes but I have lost my Grandpa." The clerk said, "I'll help you find him, what's he like?" The little boy thought for a moment and then said, "Women with big tits and Wiskey!"

ROIGHT! lol

Originally Posted by Big Brunsy

Once upon a time a prince asked a beautiful princess "will you marry me?"
The Princess said "NO"
And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing, and hunting, and played golf, and dated women half his age, and drank beer and scotch, and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

The End

^^^^BUT SRRSLY THO! WHOOHOO! LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!^^^^

[Big Brunsy]

Z28RockStar....are those great pyrenees pups in ur sig pic?

[TIE FIGHTR]

I was stopped by the police at 2: AM and asked where I was going ?

“I’m on my way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

The policeman asked me, “Really?

And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”

“My wife”, I responded



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.



The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...



‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.



The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'



'Sure will '



the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.



'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'



'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.



'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.



The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.



'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'



The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'



The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.



'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'



'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.



'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.

[JasonK]

How can you tell when a mechanic has had sex?







Two Fingers are clean... LOL

[wylde1]

A hunter is out in the woods searching for bear, and comes across a big black bear. He lines it up... BANG shoots the bear dead with one shot.

Then he feels a big furry paw come down on his shoulder, he turns around and is face to face with a Grizzly. The bear says to him "You just killed my cousin, but I'll give you two choices. I can eat you where you stand, or you can let me have sex with you and you can live"

The hunter thinks to himself... well I want to live, and I'll just come back and hunt this bear to get my revenge. So he agrees to let the bear have sex with him, and goes home.

Overcome with embarassment the hunter is out there the next day and eventually sees the same Grizzly. he lines up his sights and BANG... dead Grizzly....... but *thump* he feels another paw on his shoulder. He turns around to see an even BIGGER brown bear. The bear says "You've killed my cousin, I'll give you the same choices he gave you... and yes we've all heard about what happened last time"

so the hunter agrees again to the same choice and gets home. The next day he's out hunting this bear and eventually finds him. he's lining up his shot when *thump* a paw comes down on his shoulder.... he turns around and looks at the biggest grizzly he's ever seen and the bear says.....

You don't come out here for the hunting... do you...

[The Stig]

Women's rights

[lakers171]

comon guys don't let this die. thread revival time

[hot_rod]

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and

never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and

comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live

without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his

deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man

in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,

seductive, and invincible. . .



No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.

That's what beer does...

Never mind.

[Mark A Collier Sr]

A good Catholic Joke

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that ~ with one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Tee shirt Slogans...

I'm Confused. No wait.... Maybe I'm not.

Don't take life so seriously. It isn't permanenet.

Despite the look on my face, you're still talking??

Let me drop everything and work on YOUR problem!

I see dumb people

getting married was her idea.

EMBARRASSING MY CHILDREN: Just one more service I offer

DYSLEXICS UNTIE!!


I'm not fluent in IDIOT, so please speak slowly and clearly!

Nosey little bastard Aren't you?

Who are you... and WHY are you reading my shirt?

Buy this man a beer

If a man speaks in the forest but there is no woman to hear him... IS HE STILL WRONG?

to err is human.... but to blame someone else shows management potential!

some days... it's not worth chewing through the restraints.

"Taint" so many meanings

THE TOP TEN REASONS I PROCRASTINATE: 1.

I'm Retired! Go around me!

Remember, you are unique... like everybody else.

My Indian name is "Runs with Beer"

Squirrels: Nature's little speed bumps.

I'm not Santa (but you can still sit on my lap)

REHAB is for quitters

If you can't feed them... DON'T BREED THEM!

*Department of*
REDUNDANCY
DEPARTMENT

PETA = People Eating Tasty Animals

[hot_rod]

From

Love those Church Ladies.. They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with computers. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say '****' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hel*?' Come early and listen to our choir practice
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
-------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".

[hot_rod]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.


The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.