Jokes by CamaroSpike23. (Merged)

[CamaroSpike23]

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the lady catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the gal says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the lady gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the lady.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is George, it's winter in Missouri and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[CamaroSpike23]

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the soldiers on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.”

An old Master Sergeant, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?”

When the attendant came by he said “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”

'Yes!” said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.”

“You gotta be kidding me,” he growled, “I wish I had a coupla stiff drinks. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.”

“Oh, that’s another thing, Sergeant,” replied the crew member, “We no longer call it the cockpit” ......




“It's The Box Office.”

[CamaroSpike23]

One day a Hot Pepper Farmer was contemplating on switching out his crop from Hot Pepper's to Papaya's but .... He was getting to old to be pulling out the old plant's and tilling the soil for the new plant's since the soil was mostly rock's and hard earth...The Farmer also had no farming equipment or helper's and only had a hoe and long pic and shovel and his only son was in Jail doing time. Well the farmer write's to his son:

Son,

I am getting to old to do all the manual labor here at the farm ... I don't know how long my leg's and back will keep me up standing ..... I sure Miss your help here at the farm.

Love

Dad



Well the son read's the letter and send's his father a response:

Dear Dad,

Do not dig up the ground were all the Hot Pepper Plant's are at .... I Buried all the Bodies there.

Love

Your Son




Well the Farmer was in Shock after reading the letter so he call's the police ..... The next day the Police and FBI arrive and proceed to dig up the field in search of the bodies....a few day's later the Authorites report's to the farmer that no Bodies have been found and they pack up all their gear and equipment....the next day the farmer receive's a letter from his son in jail:





Dear Dad,

Hope your field has been tilled and cleared by now....that's all the help I could give you from in here.

Love

Your Son!

[CamaroSpike23]

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Missouri Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.'
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'
The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'
The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!'
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'
'Yes! He only has one ear!'
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but... 'He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'
The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.

[CamaroSpike23]

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.






Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said he was still there.

[CamaroSpike23]

Olie was walking home late at night, through the park and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty dollars" she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides, what the heck, it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes. They're making out for a bit when all of a sudden a light flashes on them-- it's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife ," Olie answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry." says the cop. "I didn't know."

"Well," says Olie, "I didn't neither, 'til you shined that damn light in her face."

[The_Blur]

That's priceless!

[CamaroSpike23]

A woman called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber’s house.
The phone didn’t ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system’s ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. Thought you’d like to know.

[CamaroSpike23]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.


The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[CamaroSpike23]

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.


One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties and use them, then throw them away.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.


They then made off for home.
The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."


"That's nothing," said the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you'

[CamaroSpike23]

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept
through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her,
took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue
and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had
her twenty-third child?'


Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If
you stick that dang thing in me one more time , I'll break it in half!'

[a6pk2go]

I'm not showing my wife this list otherwise she would add a few things that I'm supposed to also do.

[The_Blur]

[TonytheTiger]

Yea that list will actualy end up showing 54/129, if shown to my girlfriend