Joke tellin' page

[springerpete]

Bob Stoop dies and goes to Heaven. St Peter lets him in and starts to give him a tour of the place. St Peter shows him all of the golden streets, the rolling lush hills and the beautiful trees.

Soon they come to a nice little cottage that looks like a gingerbread house. It has red and white cobblestones and a flagpole with an OU flag flying in front of it. St Peter tells Bob that he has been a good man and that this is his house in Heaven. Bob is very pleased and thanks St Peter.

Later Bob is walking around taking in the sites. He comes across a massive house that is all dressed in orange, black, and white. It has a large swimming pool, a basketball court and all of the amenities anyone could want. Lastly it has a huge OSU flag flying out front. Bob is fuming by now and goes to find what is with the house.

Bob tells St Peter, "I've been a good man. I've done my job and won many games for Oklahoma and a National Champoinship! So why does Mike Gundy get a bigger house than I do!"

St Peter tells Bob to calm down. He replies, "Mike Gundy is not dead, That's God's house!"

[NSCRFN3]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

[99RedRagSS]

Her Diary:



Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment of it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said "Nothing". I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me,and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't why he didn't say, "I love you too". When we got home, I felt as I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.































His Diary:



Boat wouldn't start today. Can't figure it out, but at least I got laid.

[springerpete]

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[Dave McFly]

Note left on the fridge by the husband:

Somebody from the Guyna Colleges called, the Pabst Beer is normal

[hot_rod]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

[hot_rod]

An old time golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
* Cold Beer: $2.00
* Hamburger: $2.25
* Cheeseburger: $2.50
* Chicken Sandwich : $3.50
* Hand Job: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer. "Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"
The old golfer leans over the bar an whispers, "I was wondering, young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?
"She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir, I sure am."
The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear says softly, "Well, wash your hands real good because I want a cheeseburger."

[Pamaro]

Posted by another member in a different thread, but found it worthy of repeating:

I went to the local dealer and told them I wanted a new Camaro for my wife. After looking around and test driving both the V-6 and the SS, looking at the differences between the RS and the 1SS and the 2SS, I finally decided on a 1SS. I went home and picked up the wife, went back to the dealership and the salesman was happy to see that I had brought the wife and was ready to deal. Now I am getting nasty phone calls, and they are demanding that I come back and pick up my wife and return the car. I think that maybe we were not all on the same page, and, frankly, I am a little scared to return as the woman has a mean streak.

[hot_rod]

His name was Bubba, he was from Mississippi..... And he needed a loan, so....... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from Ole Miss University, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around West Texas. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"

His name was BUBBA....

[Griffstar]

It was a dark and stormy night. A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "hey, is this some kind of joke?"

[NSCRFN3]

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[Dr Jkel]

THE IRISH DAUGHTER.

The Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily saying,
"Where have you been all this time, child?
Why did you not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't you call? Can you not understand what you put yer old mother through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute....."

"You what? Out of here you shameless harlot!
Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"


"OK, Dad, as you wish, but I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For my little brother, this gold Rolex. And for you, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited
Edition convertible parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it you said you had become?" asks Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff.. a prostitute, Daddy! ... Sniff ... sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus!

You scared me half to death, Girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old Dad a hug!"

[Dr Jkel]

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[Dr Jkel]

The Good Husband


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son.. what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS