Joke tellin' page

[Mr Twisty]

Originally Posted by hot_rod

Gotta love them Texas Girls!




Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Woman from Iowa and had told her that she
was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but
on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and
put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois . He had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it
was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl fromTexas . He told her that her
duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and
he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a
bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

I make my wife get on her knees and beg.....























..... for me to come out from under the bed and fight like a man!

[youngoliver]

I wish i drove a Mustang.............








HAHAHA

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Bill and Ralph were approaching the first tee. Ralph goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."

Bill replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?" Ralph replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it."

Obviously, Bill doesn't believe him, but Ralph shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. Bill says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!"

Ralph replies, "I found it."


The Magic Frog



A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and says,
"Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."


AND WHILE WE ARE ON CLINTON>>>>

Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch.

As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"

Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!?" The waitress replies. "Sir, given the situation of your personal life I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu." She walks away.

Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "Bill, it's pronounced 'Quiche.'"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter.

Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President SUCKS" written in urine across the snow.

Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff`s HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!"

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor.

Bill hollers "Well don`t just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!"

The entire staff immediately jumps up and races for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you want first?"

Clinton says "Oh hell, give me the bad news first."

The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore`s urine."

Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own Vice President! Damn....Well, what`s the really bad news?"

The officer replies "Well sir, it`s Hillary`s handwriting."

[8ty8 ls1]

i love clinton jokes!

[janedsmith]

Oh my god.hahaha....such funny jokes.I loved reading them.They are too funny.thanks for posting these jokes here.

[Big Brunsy]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

[Tessa]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So ... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that f*ing map!"

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America.

Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President's staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

"Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep. Sure did." The man muttered unconcernedly.

"Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?"

"Yep."

"Were there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning."

"The President of the United States is dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. "He kept a-saying he wasn't ... but you know what a liar he is."

[Mark A Collier Sr]

In the early 1930's, a farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

[NSCRFN3]

he Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.

The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork the clerk admits that there is an error.

"However", the clerk explains, "it will be 24 hours before it can be rectified".

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.

"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.

"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

Tiger: "Why is that?"

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

Tiger: "You're a day late."

[NSCRFN3]

Had to add to the political humor! lol

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government
Under went a peaceful transition of power a year ago..
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while
Barack Obama took his Oath of office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21Marines,
In full dress uniform with rifles,
Fire a 21-gun salute to the President.
It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.
Every one of them missed the bastard.

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Originally Posted by NSCRFN3

Had to add to the political humor! lol

I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government
Under went a peaceful transition of power a year ago..
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while
Barack Obama took his Oath of office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21Marines,
In full dress uniform with rifles,
Fire a 21-gun salute to the President.
It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.
Every one of them missed the bastard.

[Dr Jkel]

A few weeks after the production of marijuanna crops started producing agents decended on a small farm town to Farmer John's farm with a warrant to search for illegal drugs.

The farmer being a polite man told the Agent in Charge not to go over into that pasture and pointed. The agent being a smart ass said " You see this badge here, I can go anywhere I want" The farmer said well ok.

So off the agent went 5 minutes later the agent comes running back full speed with Billy the longhorn bull hot on his heels. All you could here was the farmer screaming " Show him your Badge"

[NSCRFN3]

Hey Mark thanks for starting this thread this is good stuff!

I hope this one isn't too bad........


A fellow hired to work, at the White House, went home early the first day. When asked, by his wife why he was there, he replied, "I got fired."
Why? she asked.
I don't know he replied, when I got there they assigned me to the rose garden and I asked where were the spade and the hoe.