Joke tellin' page

[NSCRFN3]

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to
tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they
have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.
The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus'
birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.
The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.
Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish
festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples
when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung
Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb
behind a very large boulder ... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the
boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more
weeks of hockey."
St. Peter fainted.

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[derklug]

It was a raining, cold, miserable day when Bill spotted a man hitchicking. Being the cautious sort, Bill wouldn't have normally stopped, but with the weather conditions he decided to be a good Samaritan. As no good deed shall go unpunished, the hitchiker pulled a pistol on Bill, stole his car and wallet, had him strip naked, bound his hands to his ankles and chucked Bill into the ditch. Bill fought to get to his feet, and bent over with hands tied to ankles finally made it back to the road. After numerous attempts to flag down a passing motorist, finally a truck stopped. The driver came up and Bill cried out with relief. Half sobbing, Bill recounted his horrible luck to the driver. The driver responded, as he undid his zipper, "Hell, boy, this just ain't your day!"

[NSCRFN3]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you, I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup, a hole. I was talking to the cat."

[NSCRFN3]

And since everyone likes the blonde jokes........

A Blonde calling her mom..........

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were
with your father at the Ace Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let
me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the
head."

"What on earth ~ why did you do that?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault.

Dad told me to find a Black & Decker

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Originally Posted by NSCRFN3

And since everyone likes the blonde jokes........

A Blonde calling her mom..........

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were
with your father at the Ace Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let
me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the
head."

"What on earth ~ why did you do that?????"

"Well it wasn't my fault.

Dad told me to find a Black & Decker

ROFL!!!! Sad... sad but funny!

[Mark A Collier Sr]

There’s an Air Force guy driving from McChord to Ft Lewis, and an Army guy driving from Ft Lewis to McChord. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Air Force guy manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says,…..”Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”

Likewise the Army guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, ….. “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”

The Army guy walks over to the Air Force guy and says,…… “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of archrivals”

The Air Force guy thinks for a moment and says, …… “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck”

So the Air Force guy pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the Army guy, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship”

The Army guy replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Army guy hands it back to the Air Force guy and says, “Your turn!”

The Air Force guy twists the cap back on the bottle and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to come.”

[NSCRFN3]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees a ham bush..."

[Mark A Collier Sr]

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," said the Major.

He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Pick up lines... with come backs!

1. Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"


2. The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to live across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and she refused:

Man: "Want to Dance?" Woman: "No, thank you." Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."


3. Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."


4.Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "Female impersonator."


5. Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.


6. After hearing a pick-up line: Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."


7. A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."


8. A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at!?"

My friend, walking next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking, but he was mistaken."


9. While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it once...

When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"


10. "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."


11. Man: "Hey, baby, if you come home with me, I can show you a really good time."

Woman: " You know what your problem is? Your mouth is writing checks that your body can't cash."

[NSCRFN3]

In a Chicago Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. “Sir”, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters:

WW, WA, PP and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

[Mark A Collier Sr]

A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH the firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."


A blonde, a brunette and a red head are sipping tea and discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette says, "My baby's going to be a boy." The blonde asks, "How do you know?" The brunette says, "Because when we did it, my husband was on top."

The red head then says, "My baby's going to be a girl." The blonde asks, "How do you know?" The red head says, "Because when we did it, I was on top."

The blonde starts crying hysterically. When her friends finally calm her down, they ask her why she was crying. The blonde says, "My baby's going to be a puppy."

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde. She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note, "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

[Iwantone2]

[hot_rod]

World Cup News

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper has
personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South
Africa. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete
the transaction.