Joke tellin' page - Page 18

Mark A Collier Sr · 08-11-2010, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dr Jkel

The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son.. what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS

That is AWESOME!!

*CamaroSpike23* · 08-11-2010, 07:27 PM

When Farah Fawcett died and went to heaven, she was greeted by St. Peter. He told her she had lived such a wonderful life that she would be granted one wish.
She wished that all the children of the world would be safe from harm....

3 hours later, Michael Jackson died.

What did Farah Fawcett and Michael Jackson get for an early Christmas present?

Patrick Swayze

How do you know when its time to go to bed at Michael Jacksons house?

when the big hand touches the little hand

Did you hear that Patrick Swayze is going to be in a new movie?

its called Ghost II

NSCRFN3 · 08-11-2010, 07:47 PM

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

SSchizomaniac · 08-11-2010, 07:49 PM

A janitor and a Company CEO step onto the same elevator at the end of the day. It's around Christmas time, so the janitor starts a conversation by asking "so, what'd you get your wife for Christmas?" The CEO replies, "I got her a Ferrari, and a diamond ring". The Janitor asks, "Why both?" The CEO replies, "Well, if she doesn't like the Ferrari, then at least she will enjoy the diamond ring." The janitor then says, "Well, I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo." The CEO asks, "Why?" The janitor responds, "Well, if she doesn't like the slippers then she can go f_ck herself."

Tessa · 08-12-2010, 04:45 PM

A woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for."

The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"

"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.

Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks.

"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.

The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.

helmincamaro · 08-12-2010, 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tessa

A woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for."

The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"

"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.

Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks.

"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.

The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.

thats a good one!

Iwantone2 · 08-12-2010, 06:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tessa

A woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for."

The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?"

"That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted.

Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks.

"That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted.

The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.

that's just funny!!!

NSCRFN3 · 08-12-2010, 06:41 PM

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to
-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set
up.

One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk
by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What
are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a@@-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... only
two left."

Mr Twisty · 08-12-2010, 07:01 PM

.

springerpete · 08-12-2010, 10:56 PM

Why did the rednecks move 20 miles down the road?

Because they heard that most car wrecks happen within 10 miles from home.

Dave McFly · 08-13-2010, 10:38 PM

A doctor walks into an exam room to see a guy covered head to toe in bruises. he asks "what happened to you?" the man replies, "I don't know the last thing I remember I was hitting on this skinny chick, then all of a sudden this sailor dude mumbles something, pulls out a can of spinach, this weird tune started playing out of nowhere, and here I am."

NSCRFN3 · 08-14-2010, 03:01 PM

The United States Border Patrol is asking citizens to keep on the look out for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants across the border of Mexico and into points along the U.S. border. If you see the vehicle pictured below and have reasons to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police department or federal government authorities.

hot_rod · 08-16-2010, 11:01 AM

The Top Ten Reasons
Men Prefer Rifles Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.
#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.
#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE

NSCRFN3 · 08-16-2010, 06:26 PM

Renault and Ford are working on a new,
small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus,
and calling it the "Clitaurus".
It comes in pink, and the average male
car thief won't be able to find it, even if
someone tells him where it is.

08-11-2010, 07:47 PM	#241
NSCRFN3 Drives: 2010 Camaro RJT 2SS/RS M6 Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 36°13′12″N 82°20′17″W Posts: 492 View My Garage	Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. __________________

08-11-2010, 07:49 PM	#242
SSchizomaniac Drives: WTB 2010 Camaro SS - Black Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Bay Area, CA Posts: 16 View My Garage	A janitor and a Company CEO step onto the same elevator at the end of the day. It's around Christmas time, so the janitor starts a conversation by asking "so, what'd you get your wife for Christmas?" The CEO replies, "I got her a Ferrari, and a diamond ring". The Janitor asks, "Why both?" The CEO replies, "Well, if she doesn't like the Ferrari, then at least she will enjoy the diamond ring." The janitor then says, "Well, I got my wife a pair of slippers and a dildo." The CEO asks, "Why?" The janitor responds, "Well, if she doesn't like the slippers then she can go f_ck herself." __________________ 2002 Camaro SS - sold \| Jet Hot LTs \| QTP electric cut-out \| GMMG \| CME

08-12-2010, 06:41 PM	#246
NSCRFN3 Drives: 2010 Camaro RJT 2SS/RS M6 Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 36°13′12″N 82°20′17″W Posts: 492 View My Garage	Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to -be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a@@-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well... only two left." __________________

08-12-2010, 07:01 PM	#247
Mr Twisty Drives: the 2nd amendment home Join Date: May 2008 Location: OK Posts: 14,763	. Attached Images __________________ "They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety." -- Benjamin Franklin lib·er·ty /ˈlibərdē/ noun 1. the state of being free within society from oppressive restrictions imposed by authority on one's way of life, behavior, or political views

08-12-2010, 10:56 PM	#248
springerpete Orange GM freak Drives: 2004 3500HD Join Date: May 2009 Location: Ponca City, OK Posts: 784 View My Garage	Why did the rednecks move 20 miles down the road? Because they heard that most car wrecks happen within 10 miles from home. __________________ "My hair's turnin' White, my neck is still Red and my collar is still Blue"

08-12-2010, 04:45 PM	#243
Tessa Mischief Managed Drives: 2SS/RS RJT with silver rallys Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: Southbound Posts: 8,179 View My Garage	A woman finds a genie's lamp. The Genie comes out and says, "You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for." The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. "You realize," the Genie said, "that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?" "That's okay," says the woman, "He'll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women." So the wish is granted. Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. "You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?" the Genie asks. "That's okay. What's mine is his and what's his is mine," replied the woman. So the wish was granted. The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.

08-13-2010, 10:38 PM	#249
Dave McFly new car smell Drives: 2007 Ford Mustang 'Natasha' Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Jamestown, NY Posts: 2,115 View My Garage	A doctor walks into an exam room to see a guy covered head to toe in bruises. he asks "what happened to you?" the man replies, "I don't know the last thing I remember I was hitting on this skinny chick, then all of a sudden this sailor dude mumbles something, pulls out a can of spinach, this weird tune started playing out of nowhere, and here I am." __________________ "May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house." George Carlin

08-14-2010, 03:01 PM	#250
NSCRFN3 Drives: 2010 Camaro RJT 2SS/RS M6 Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 36°13′12″N 82°20′17″W Posts: 492 View My Garage	The United States Border Patrol is asking citizens to keep on the look out for a red 1951 Chevy that they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal immigrants across the border of Mexico and into points along the U.S. border. If you see the vehicle pictured below and have reasons to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police department or federal government authorities. Attached Images __________________

08-16-2010, 11:01 AM	#251
hot_rod Drives: 2010 2SS RS Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Texas Posts: 1,222 View My Garage	Women or Guns The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women #10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22. #9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the road. #8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times. #7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup. #6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo. #5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space. #4. Rifles function normally every day of the month. #3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?" #2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it. And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman: # 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE __________________ "Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference." - Mark Twain "Never argue with an idiot, they drag you down to their level and beat you with experience" - Unknown

08-16-2010, 06:26 PM	#252
NSCRFN3 Drives: 2010 Camaro RJT 2SS/RS M6 Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 36°13′12″N 82°20′17″W Posts: 492 View My Garage	Renault and Ford are working on a new, small car for women. They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus". It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is. __________________

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