Due to contractual budget cuts, this is your new cubicle, and contract

Iroczlover · 10-29-2008, 04:34 PM

LOL my hhsuband shipped this to me this morning.

Subject: Due to contractual budget cuts, this is your new cubicle, and contract

Check out our new working conditions, and contract:
DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS YOUR NEW CUBICLE
EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

NEW OFFICE POLICIES

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

Just a Skidmark · 10-29-2008, 09:33 PM

hilarious

zebra · 10-29-2008, 09:39 PM

that's about what my job a few years ago was like!

*Camaro_Corvette* · 10-29-2008, 09:56 PM

clm7214 · 10-30-2008, 03:10 AM

You shouldn't publish Honeywell Aerospace policies on the web without proper consent.

*CamaroSpike23* · 10-30-2008, 05:55 PM

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD.

jk cowgirl!

Iroczlover · 10-30-2008, 05:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CamaroSpike23

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD.

jk cowgirl!

whos cowgirl lol, & Yes I am OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*The_Blur* · 10-30-2008, 07:42 PM

I especially love the bathroom section.

10-29-2008, 04:34 PM	#1
Iroczlover The Krazzy bytch Drives: Which car I have 9 vehicles? Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: Yelm, wa, Hell if I think about it to much Posts: 7,919	Due to contractual budget cuts, this is your new cubicle, and contract LOL my hhsuband shipped this to me this morning. Subject: Due to contractual budget cuts, this is your new cubicle, and contract Check out our new working conditions, and contract: DUE TO BUDGET CUTS, THIS IS YOUR NEW CUBICLE EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY NEW OFFICE POLICIES Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break: * Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. * Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. * Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. The Management Pass this on to all who are employed! __________________ Heart breaks everyday when you cant take care of your family because you are unemployed, cant give your family what you want or what they need I am not a man I have boobies. Cars are like women, If you treat her rough shes going to complain & you will hear about it. If you treat her right she will purrrrrrrrrrrrr Current cars owned , 72 Skylark vert,86 fiero GT Sold , 87 Iroc-z (sold), 90 Vette Vert SOLD , 95 Z28, 99 Silverado K1500 Totaled, 2010 CGM Camaro 2ss/rs (had to sell & I hate it ) ,2012 Cruze LT repoed. Current current list lol 2006 Silverado 2500hd.

10-29-2008, 09:33 PM	#2
Just a Skidmark original senior member Drives: 1993 s10 tahoe 4.3L v6 tbi Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: Mableton Georgia Posts: 357	hilarious __________________ BUILD THREAD http://www.s10forum.com/forum/f30/bi...-tahoe-447771/

10-29-2008, 09:39 PM	#3
zebra just can't seem to leave Drives: your mom wild!! Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: cold & windy Posts: 10,625 View My Garage	that's about what my job a few years ago was like! __________________ Eve ('00 FRC): hot-air intake Rowan ('09 H3): 5spd mom-mobile Penny ('99 Sierra): 5.3 / HD 5spd... gone but not forgotten Samson ('18 HD): compounded 408

10-29-2008, 09:56 PM	#4
Camaro_Corvette 36.58625, -121.7568 Drives: Team 1LE Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Earth Posts: 23,709 View My Garage	__________________ I am seriously never serious vv V vv Next order of business

10-30-2008, 07:42 PM	#8
The_Blur Moderator Drives: 2018 Harley-Davidson Street Bob Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: San Diego Posts: 14,769	I especially love the bathroom section. __________________ RDP Motorsport//GEN5DIY//Cultrag Performance//JPSS//Rodgets Chevrolet// Operation Demon//Buy at Invoice//RACECARWEAR RESPECT ALL CARS. LOVE YOUR OWN. warn 145:159 ban

10-30-2008, 03:10 AM	#5
clm7214 Drives: 04' HD Silverado, 09' Malibu Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: AZ Posts: 27	You shouldn't publish Honeywell Aerospace policies on the web without proper consent.