Joke tellin' page

[Ivas]

Wait, hold on there for a second. When you write: ON THE OTHER HAND, THIS IS HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
are you saying this is what you do, or what you advise other men to do?

Did you do time in prison, perchance?

[bradshaw]

little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[Ivas]

As Ed Norton said of his work in the sewers, "You gotta' take the thick with the thin."

[GJG]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin..



After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;

two men and a woman.



For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'



The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

[GJG]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:




Men Are Just Happier People–– What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.




Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes –– one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

[Da Hose]

A Doc told a man that masturbating before sex helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, " what the hell, I'll try it." He spent all day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, the restroom was too open and the alley was to unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway, got out and crawled underneath it as if examining it. Satisfied with his privacy he began to choke his man handle and closed his eyes to think of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm he felt a quick tug on his pant leg, not wanting to lose the mental fantasy. he kept his eyes closed and replied "what?" and heard " this is the police, what the hell are you doing?" He replied, " i'm checking out the axle, it's busted. The Cop says, " you better check the break line also, because your truck rolled away 5 minutes ago.

[Ivas]

Why don't women belch as much as men?

They never shut up long enough to build up the pressure.

[Ivas]

The wife has been askin' me to buy her mother the fur coat she has always wanted.

I told the wife that if we hide the old lady's razor for a few weeks, she could grow her own.

[Ivas]

Congrats, man. That's hella funny! It's gonna' take me a while to come up with something to follow that act.

[DGthe3]

This is a family forum. Keep it clean or the thread gets closed.

*edit*
never mind, it looks like this thread is a lost cause. Closed