Joke tellin' page - Page 5

Mark A Collier Sr · 07-05-2010, 06:12 PM

MY Turn for Blonde Jokes

It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I think I am the prettiest person in the world" and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. Lastly came the blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think..." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up.

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
**********************************************
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
A. "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
**********************************************
Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A. Her blinker was on.
**********************************************
Q. What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?
A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.
**********************************************
Q. How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree
********************************************
Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye?
A. Shine a flashlight in her ear.
********************************************
Q. How do blonde brain cells die?
A. Alone.

NSCRFN3 · 07-05-2010, 08:05 PM

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.

The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have sh!t in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!"

The Amish Farmer shouts back in English:

"Use two hands, you'll get more!"

Mark A Collier Sr · 07-05-2010, 09:10 PM

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that
the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees!
What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to
himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly
charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He
looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on
him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his
eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even
closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run
faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over
to pick himself up, but saw the bear... right on top of him...
reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right paw to
strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God, please help
me..."

Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was
ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move. A brilliant ray of
light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man. A powerful
voice spoke to him,

"You have denied my existence for all of these years; you teach
others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a cosmic
accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you now as a believer?"

The atheist blinked directly into the light "It would be
hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these
years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light
disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man. The
river ran again. The forest became alive once more with the
gentle sounds of nature.

The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both
paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

rowerybo · 07-05-2010, 10:50 PM

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
The results showed a reading of 0.0.
The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Deputy Gomer

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.
"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

rowerybo · 07-05-2010, 10:54 PM

So these three guys decide they want to jump out of an airplane. Just before the jump, one of them finds a magic bottle. Poof, a genie comes out and says "you will land in whatever you wish for, just say the word when you jump. So the first guy jumps and says, money for life and he lands in endless money. The second guy jumps and says beautiful women and he ands with beautiful women. The third guy gets set and takes off but right as he hits the edge he trips and says "OH SH!T

rowerybo · 07-05-2010, 11:04 PM

Blonde Cop

This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.

(insert better word for "do" and "done")
So this blonde is on a pier and asks every man that walks by to "do" her. Well for some reason, none have taken the offer. Eventually this young man walks up and asks her did I hear you asking people to "do" you? Yes she replies with great joy but I can't swim. The young man picks her up, chucks her over the side and says, you're done now.

Big Brunsy · 07-05-2010, 11:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mark A Collier Sr

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that
the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees!
What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to
himself.

As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly
charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He
looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on
him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his
eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even
closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run
faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over
to pick himself up, but saw the bear... right on top of him...
reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right paw to
strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God, please help
me..."

Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was
ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move. A brilliant ray of
light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man. A powerful
voice spoke to him,

"You have denied my existence for all of these years; you teach
others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a cosmic
accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you now as a believer?"

The atheist blinked directly into the light "It would be
hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these
years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light
disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man. The
river ran again. The forest became alive once more with the
gentle sounds of nature.

The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both
paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke:

"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

FUNNY KARMA

WadeWilson · 07-06-2010, 11:52 AM

THE LAWNMOWER

If you need a good laugh read the following. He tells it like it is with out cursing.

If you don't laugh at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is true. Sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn !,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank !

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this ???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

hot_rod · 07-06-2010, 12:24 PM

>>THE LAWNMOWER

LOL - that's a good one!

WadeWilson · 07-06-2010, 12:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hot_rod

>>THE LAWNMOWER

LOL - that's a good one!

67 Convertible · 07-06-2010, 01:20 PM

A woman was so upset with her body odor she finally went to the doctor for some suggestions. The doctor asked her if she bathed regularly. The woman said yes I wash everyday. First, I wet the washcloth and put soap on it. I start at my feet and wash up as far as possible. Then I go to my head and wash down as far as possible. The doctor said, well I didn't know that's what they're calling it nowadays, but I suggest you go home and wash your possible.

helmincamaro · 07-06-2010, 02:39 PM

ok, so 5 pigs walk into a bar. The first 4 order a beer but the last one just said "bring me water".

So the bartender comes back and ask what they want to eat. They all want pizza except for the last one, he says "bring me more water".

So after they finish their meals, the bartender comes back to see if they want desert. They all get chocolate pie except for the last one, he just wants water.

so right before they leave, the bartender just had to ask. "Why do you drink so much water"? The 5th pig replied with "Because I'm the one that has to go wee wee wee all the way home".

Tessa · 07-06-2010, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hot_rod

FEMALE TERMINOLOGY

1.)FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.)Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4.)Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5)Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.)That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.)Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.)Whatever:Is a women's way of saying "you're a complete moron."

9.)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, "what's wrong", for the woman's response refer to # 3.

I used #8 the other day and really did mean "you're a complete moron" - LOL

purplhaizcraz3 · 07-06-2010, 04:26 PM

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing 'Love' stamps on bright pink envelops with hearts all over them. His curiosity is getting the better of him, so he goes up to the balding man and asks him what hes doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed 'Guess Who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawer" the man respoonds.

07-05-2010, 06:12 PM	#57
Mark A Collier Sr Retired Army, 101st ABN Drives: 2 SS/RS w/sunroof Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Newnan, GA Posts: 852 View My Garage	MY Turn for Blonde Jokes It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied. There are 3 people standing in front of a magic mirror. The mirror gives you anything you desire if you tell it the truth, but you disappear if you lie. The first person to talk to the mirror was a very fat brunette. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think I am the thinnest person in the world." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. The next person to come up to the mirror was a very ugly red head. She told the mirror "I think I am the prettiest person in the world" and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. Lastly came the blonde. She walked up to the mirror and said "I think..." and poof, the mirror gobbled her up. An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds. The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question: "How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?" Q. How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A. She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. ******************************************** Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? A. "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!" ****************************************** Q. Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A. Her blinker was on. ****************************************** Q. What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet? A. The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion. ****************************************** Q. How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves? A. She fell out of the tree **************************************** Q. How do you get a twinkle in a blonde's eye? A. Shine a flashlight in her ear. **************************************** Q. How do blonde brain cells die? A. Alone. __________________ "BABY" is a Summit White, 2SS/RS, My Tribute to the 13 years I served in the 101st Airborne Division!!! ORDERED: 18 JUL 09 #NMMS88, BORN ON 4 NOV 09 at 12:26pm VIN:63460~ HOME on 18 NOV 09! "101BABY"**

07-05-2010, 08:05 PM	#58
NSCRFN3 Drives: 2010 Camaro RJT 2SS/RS M6 Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: 36°13′12″N 82°20′17″W Posts: 492 View My Garage	An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand. The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben hineingeschissen!" Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have sh!t in it!" The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, Infidel!" The Amish Farmer shouts back in English: "Use two hands, you'll get more!" __________________

07-05-2010, 09:10 PM	#59
Mark A Collier Sr Retired Army, 101st ABN Drives: 2 SS/RS w/sunroof Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Newnan, GA Posts: 852 View My Garage	An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear... right on top of him... reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God, please help me..." Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move. A brilliant ray of light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man. A powerful voice spoke to him, "You have denied my existence for all of these years; you teach others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you now as a believer?" The atheist blinked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man. The river ran again. The forest became alive once more with the gentle sounds of nature. The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful." __________________ "BABY" is a Summit White, 2SS/RS, My Tribute to the 13 years I served in the 101st Airborne Division!!! ORDERED: 18 JUL 09 #NMMS88, BORN ON 4 NOV 09 at 12:26pm VIN:63460~ HOME on 18 NOV 09! "101BABY"

07-06-2010, 01:20 PM	#67
67 Convertible Drives: 67 Camaro Convertible Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: MA Posts: 1,721	A woman was so upset with her body odor she finally went to the doctor for some suggestions. The doctor asked her if she bathed regularly. The woman said yes I wash everyday. First, I wet the washcloth and put soap on it. I start at my feet and wash up as far as possible. Then I go to my head and wash down as far as possible. The doctor said, well I didn't know that's what they're calling it nowadays, but I suggest you go home and wash your possible. __________________ _____________________________________________ 2LT/RS RJT, Blk Rally Stripes, Beige Interior, Sunroof Placed order at dealer 4/24/09 1100 - 4/28/09 2000 - 5/01/09 2500 - 5/05/09 3000 - 5/05/09 3300 - 5/30/09 3400 - 6/05/09 3800 - 6/18/09 4000 - 6/18/09 4B00 - 6/18/09 4200 - 6/22/09 5000 - 7/01/09 6000 - 7/01/09 It's Home!! 0000 - 7/14/11 Traded in with 24,000 miles. Currently 5th Gen less

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07-05-2010, 10:50 PM	#60
rowerybo Drives: explorer Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: FL Posts: 215 View My Garage	A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom." One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy." Deputy Gomer The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job. "Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

07-05-2010, 10:54 PM	#61
rowerybo Drives: explorer Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: FL Posts: 215 View My Garage	So these three guys decide they want to jump out of an airplane. Just before the jump, one of them finds a magic bottle. Poof, a genie comes out and says "you will land in whatever you wish for, just say the word when you jump. So the first guy jumps and says, money for life and he lands in endless money. The second guy jumps and says beautiful women and he ands with beautiful women. The third guy gets set and takes off but right as he hits the edge he trips and says "OH SH!T

07-05-2010, 11:04 PM	#62
rowerybo Drives: explorer Join Date: Aug 2009 Location: FL Posts: 215 View My Garage	Blonde Cop This blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification. The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.” “Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop. The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.” “Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.” Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks." The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks." The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks." The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them. (insert better word for "do" and "done") So this blonde is on a pier and asks every man that walks by to "do" her. Well for some reason, none have taken the offer. Eventually this young man walks up and asks her did I hear you asking people to "do" you? Yes she replies with great joy but I can't swim. The young man picks her up, chucks her over the side and says, you're done now.

07-06-2010, 11:52 AM	#64
WadeWilson How U Doin? Drives: 2014 CTS-V Coupe Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Californication Posts: 24,156 View My Garage	THE LAWNMOWER If you need a good laugh read the following. He tells it like it is with out cursing. If you don't laugh at this,...CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is true. Sent by a retired dentist. We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn !,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank ! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things: 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this ???). That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

07-06-2010, 12:24 PM	#65
hot_rod Drives: 2010 2SS RS Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Texas Posts: 1,222 View My Garage	>>THE LAWNMOWER LOL - that's a good one!

07-06-2010, 02:39 PM	#68
helmincamaro Official Lounge BAMF Drives: '97 Camaro Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Kannapolis, NC Posts: 13,576 View My Garage	ok, so 5 pigs walk into a bar. The first 4 order a beer but the last one just said "bring me water". So the bartender comes back and ask what they want to eat. They all want pizza except for the last one, he says "bring me more water". So after they finish their meals, the bartender comes back to see if they want desert. They all get chocolate pie except for the last one, he just wants water. so right before they leave, the bartender just had to ask. "Why do you drink so much water"? The 5th pig replied with "Because I'm the one that has to go wee wee wee all the way home".

07-06-2010, 04:26 PM	#70
purplhaizcraz3 Drives: 2010 2LT CHEVY CAMARO BABY!!!! Join Date: May 2009 Location: Glencoe Posts: 394	A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing 'Love' stamps on bright pink envelops with hearts all over them. His curiosity is getting the better of him, so he goes up to the balding man and asks him what hes doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed 'Guess Who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawer" the man respoonds.