Joke tellin' page

[Big Brunsy]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a
rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in
his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?"
she asked.

The man replied,
"I want to see Valerie."

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else"
said the madam.

He replied,
"No, I must see Valerie."


Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the
man she charged $5000 a visit.


Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars
and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.




After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more
demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back
two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts.
The price is still $5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie,
and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third
consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man,

"No one has ever been with me
three nights in a row."

"Where are you from?"

The man replied,
" New Brunswick ."

"Really," she said.
"I have family in New Brunswick ."

"I know." the man said.

"Your sister died, and I am her attorney."

"She asked me to give you your
$15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that

three(3) things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed

by a lawyer!

[NSCRFN3]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said “NO!”



And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf
and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch
and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up
and farted whenever he wanted.

The End

[jimcar2]

A pirate walked into a bar with a ship wheel down his pants, the bar tender said you know you have a ship wheel down your pants, the pirate said " rrrrr and it's drivin me nuts."

[68/2010]

Originally Posted by Mark A Collier Sr

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

You tell the best jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Scrmin' Mimi]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive

double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the

contractor who installed them.



He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.



So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,
that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!



Helllooooo!? It's been a year! I told him.
Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.




There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Originally Posted by 68/2010

You tell the best jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND... I take good pics! lol I see you are using the pic I took! I see my 101BABY in the background of your profile pic!!!

[Mark A Collier Sr]

A young woman goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.
The sign says:
"SEX FROGS" Only $20 each!

Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The young woman excitedly looks around to see if
anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man
behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her,
"Just follow the instructions!

The young woman nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on
her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she
opens the instructions and reads them very carefully.
She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down
"There", and allow the frog to do what
he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her
surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The young woman is very
disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads
the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper
it says, "If you have any problems or questions please
call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be
right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The young woman welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done
everything according to the instructions. The dang frog
just SITS there!"

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog,
stares directly into its eyes, and STERNLY says:

"LISTEN TO ME!!

I'm only going to show you how to do this.....

ONE ... MORE ... TIME!!!"


The Bullfrog joke reminded me of this one!

[Mark A Collier Sr]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."


Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..." The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here's a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says, "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a woman at the back of the bar raises her hand. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[hot_rod]

Gotta love them Texas Girls!




Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given
their new wives duties.

The first man had married a Woman from Iowa and had told her that she
was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but
on the third day he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and
put away.

The second man had married a woman from Illinois . He had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it
was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes
were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl fromTexas . He told her that her
duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the
first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see
anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and
he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a
bite to eat and load the dishwasher.

[Dion_1969]

After the birth of his 10th child a man from West Virginia tells his wife that he is going to see doc about one of them Vaaasectomies. The wife agrees and and he sees the doc the next day. The doc knowing that his patient has no money what with 10 kids tells him to get himself an m80 and a dixie cup. hold the cup in one hand then light the m80 and put it into the dixie cup. count to 10 and you have yourself a vasectomy.

The man goes home and tells his wife. She says "that dont sound right. You better go across the river to ahia and talk to one of them yankee docs".

He crosses to Ohio and visits a doctor who tells him that it is simple procedure. a little incision a little snip and your done. The guy says "well that sounds much better my doc in WV told me.." The Doctor stops him: Your from across the river! well you just get an m80 and a dixie cup put the m80 in the cup and count to 10!. The man scratches his head and says thats what my doc said.

He goes home and tells his wife the news. She says "well them northern docs are pretty smart so i guess thats how we do it." So he gets an M80 and a dixie cup. he lights the m80 and puts it in the cup in his left hand. He starts counting 1,2,3,4,5 and runs out of fingers on the right...(this is best as a visual joke)... puts the cup between his legs and goes to the left hand 6,7.....

[Dion_1969]

There is a large cattle field with several hundred cattle. All of the cows huddle together on one side and the bulls just hang around on the other side. A gust of wind 80mph blows across the field and knocks all the cows down. The bulls just sway back and forth. Another gust at 100mph blows across and the same thing happens. One of the cows, very perplexed by this walks over to the closest bull and asks "Why is it when the wind blows like that we get knocked A$$ over teakettle but you bulls just wave back and forth?"

The bull looks in the eye and says "well you see we bulls wobble but we dont fall down"

[68/2010]

Originally Posted by Mark A Collier Sr

AND... I take good pics! lol I see you are using the pic I took! I see my 101BABY in the background of your profile pic!!!

Yes you do take good pictures too. LOL. I really like the ones you took of our cars. Can't help it.

[NSCRFN3]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to

the hospital. While on the operating table she had a

near death experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years,

2 months and

8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and

have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten
her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it..

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you

said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from

out of the path of the ambulance?'


- God replied:


'I didn't recognize you.'

[68/2010]

Originally Posted by NSCRFN3

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to

the hospital. While on the operating table she had a

near death experience.

Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'

God said, 'No, you have another 43 years,

2 months and

8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and

have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten
her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it..

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an
ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you

said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from

out of the path of the ambulance?'


- God replied:


'I didn't recognize you.'

That's great!!!!!!!!!