Joke tellin' page

[mth35115]

They came out with a rawhide bra, it gets them up and heads 'em out.

[hot_rod]

After Mrs. O'Toole's barn burned down, she called her insurance agent to file a claim.
She told the insurance man, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand bucks, and we need that money immediately!"
"Just a minute there, Mrs. O'Toole," the agent replied. "Insurance doesn't work quite like that."
"What do you mean?!" she asked. "The policy here says $50,000!"
"That's a maximum," the insurance man explained. "What we do is ascertain the value of what was insured, and then provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
After a long pause, she replied "That's how insurance works?!"
"Absolutely," the agent said.

"Well then," she said, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband immediately!"

[PQ]

A new species of Parrot was found in Brazil.

Scientists are excited at the new find.

Scientists in the area are saying "It's the most exciting thing to happen to our science department in years".

Parrots are saying "It's the most exciting thing to happen to our science department in years".

[GJG]

Originally Posted by Lawdog1911

Bonnie and Randy

Randy always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing Some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bonnie looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Randy stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into The kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Bonnie, a little louder this time, "Notice anything Different NOW?"
Bonnie looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Randy, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down Again tomorrow."
Furious, Randy yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,BONNIE?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Bonnie replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Randy. Shoulda bought a hat."

[PQ]

Originally Posted by Lawdog1911

Bonnie and Randy

Randy always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing Some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bonnie looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Randy stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into The kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Bonnie, a little louder this time, "Notice anything Different NOW?"
Bonnie looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Randy, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down Again tomorrow."
Furious, Randy yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,BONNIE?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Bonnie replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Randy. Shoulda bought a hat."

I totaly missed this...... Til GJG just quoted it. OMG.............

[PQ]

OMG, this is SOOOOOOOOO my son. (The witness)

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

[hot_rod]

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'Liverpool '

And they say blondes are dumb….

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A couple are lying in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

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'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of
the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumour

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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding
anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that
because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

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Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

[Ivas]

The fur seal harvest on the ice floes of Canada was well underway. The men had been caving in skulls non-stop for hours, steaming gore is everywhere.

One of the hunters has slumped to the ice holding his head. He looks into the wild, bloodlust driven eyes of another hunter and asks, "Have you got anything for a headache?"

[Ivas]

Pat and Mike are having a drink in their favorite pub. Pat says to Mike, "You know there's a new bar that I've heard is good."

"Oh yeah," says Mike "and why is that, boyo?"

"You see," says Pat "I hear that they'll give you a beer for fifty cents, then take you into the back room where you'll have sex all night."

"Let me get this straight." says Mike. "They give you a beer for fifty cents and then they take you into the backroom for sex all night." says Mike. "And how do you be knowing about this then?" asks Mike.

"Surely," says Pat "it was your sister what told me."

[heRS]

Everybody knows Bubba! And Ed got tired of hearing about it. Every time he started talking to Bubba about someone he met, Bubba already knew them. Ed finally decided to call him to the carpet.
Ed says "Bubba I bet you don't know Harrison Ford!"
Bubba whips out his cel phone and calls HF. Hands Ed the phone. Says "say hello to my golfing buddy Harrison Ford". Ed talks to HF and hangs up. "He invited us to golf with him on Sunday!"
After golf, Ed says "Damn Bubba, you can't know everyone. I bet you don't know the Queen of England!".
Bubba makes a call, and soon they are winging to jolly old England for Tea with the Queen. She gives Bubba a peck on each cheek and gives Ed her hand to kiss. As they are leaving Ed goes "Damn Bubba, you can't know everyone. I bet you don't know the Pope!".
Well guess what. They arrive at the Vatican, and Bubba tells Ed "hey, security is tight in this place, they won't let you in, but at 12:00 Me and JPJII will be coming out for benedictions on that balcony right there".
Ed waits til noon, and sure enough, out on that balcony with the Pope is Bubba.
Bubba is up in the balcony looking for Ed, so he can wave at him. He see's Ed passed out on the ground, so he leaves the balcony and runs down to see what happened to Ed.
He shook Ed a couple of times and Ed woke up saying "I give up. You DO know everyone. I saw you come out up there and a couple of swede tourists saw you and asked me "Yah sure, who dat up dere with Bubba?"
"I fell to the ground and beat my head against the ground. Bubba, you DO know everybody!"

[custompainter]

The Female Genie

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

[Ivas]

Originally Posted by custompainter

The Female Genie

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

I didn't know he ever had a dick...

[hot_rod]

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50.. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS ALSO VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


----------------------------

ON THE OTHER HAND,
THIS IS HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring alcohol

[Ivas]

Obviously, some of requirements are more difficult than others. But that #46 "love shopping" is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE.
Why do you think there is always at least one chair in the ladies' clothing section of department stores? It's for husbands or boyfriends to repose and imagine they're somewhere else, ANYWHERE but shopping!