Something to make you laugh!!!

[rmnc3r]

A Cop is bored so he heads over the the local make-out spot to ensure public propriety. He sees several parked cars - nothing unexpected... Until he sees a car with the dome light on. The Cop's curiosity is piqued so he wanders over to investigate.

As he approaches, he notices a Boy in the front seat, by himself. This strikes him as unusual, so as he approaches the car, he sees a girl in the back seat. Now this is really odd so he raps on the window with his nightstick. Startled, the boy rolls down the window and stammers "y-y-yes Sir?"

The cop says, "whatcha doin' there, son?"

"oh nuthin', just reading a magazine?"

"Hmmmm, I see. Well, what's your girlfriend doin' there?"

The boy looks back at his girlfriend, who give him an embarrassed smile, and says "oh, she's just Knitting"

"I see" says the cop. "Say, son, how old are you?"
"I'm 19, sir"

"I see, How about your girlfriend?"

The kid looks at his watch, then looks up at the cop and says "well, in about 10 minutes she'll be 18"

[navmaxlp]

A guy is pulling into the church parking lot and can't find a spot. He's really late and his wife is going to kill him if they miss it. He decides to say a small prayer.

"Dear Lord, if you can help me with a parking spot, I'll never lie again, I'll go to church every Sunday and I'll never take your name in vain again."

Just as he finishes his prayer a car pulls out right in front and he says, "Never mind, found one"

[Dr Jkel]

THE IRISH DAUGHTER.

The Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily saying,
"Where have you been all this time, child?
Why did you not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't you call? Can you not understand what you put yer old mother through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute....."

"You what? Out of here you shameless harlot!
Sinner!
You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"


"OK, Dad, as you wish, but I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For my little brother, this gold Rolex. And for you, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited
Edition convertible parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... and an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it you said you had become?" asks Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff.. a prostitute, Daddy! ... Sniff ... sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus!

You scared me half to death, Girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old Dad a hug!"

[Dr Jkel]

SEX AFTER DEATH A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: " Marion ... Marion " "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?" "No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona.

[SSE 4 2SS]

Originally Posted by Dr Jekel

SHOOTING CHICKENS AT WINDSHIELDS

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken.” (True Story)

FTMFW....

Why is it the true stories are usually the funniest...!!!
I can easily picture this in my mind...

And they need to tell them to launch it with the pecker facing backwards.

[Lava]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

["prima"Donna]

Originally Posted by Dr Jekel

SHOOTING CHICKENS AT WINDSHIELDS

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4-pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo -- "Defrost the chicken.” (True Story)

Originally Posted by SSE 4 2SS

FTMFW....

Why is it the true stories are usually the funniest...!!!
I can easily picture this in my mind...

And they need to tell them to launch it with the pecker facing backwards.

[guiLT]

Originally Posted by SSE 4 2SS

Don't delete the account, we need the humor... just add a "y" to the end of your user name...

Tran would get annoyed. That would be the 3rd time I had my username changed.

[guiLT]

These are great!!!

[hot_rod]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who's best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.

Later they get together.

The priest begins: "When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion."

"I found a bear by the stream," says the minister, "and preached God's Holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him."

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
"Looking back," he says, "maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

[Tessa]

[WadeWilson]

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BI**H!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[WadeWilson]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bi**hes who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bi**hes who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bi**h in the kitchen."

[Iwantone2]

As someone said before:

This thread FTMFW!!!!!!!!!!