Joke tellin' page

[Mark A Collier Sr]

A Dog Named TOP.

There was a retired Army First Sergeant that owned a renowned hunting dog named TOP (Top is a nickname for First Sergeant/E8 for all you non-Army folks).

TOP was known all over for his spectacular abilities for pointing and driving out a potential kill. Senior Non-Commissioned Officers came regularly to rent TOP during hunting season.

One year a group of Colonels and Generals heard about TOP’s success and went to ask if they could rent TOP. The retired First Sergeant said no problem but it will cost you each $100 a day.

The Officers all agreed and took TOP for the hunt. In four days they all returned and bragged how great TOP did. They all bagged their limits and couldn’t hunt anymore. They were so pleased that they made an appointment to come back next year.

So the next year came around and the Colonels and Generals all came back to rent TOP again. The retired First Sergeant told them that TOP had gotten much better since the last time they were there and the price had doubled.

Again, the Officers all agreed and took TOP for the hunt. This time they all returned in less than three days. They all bagged their limits again and couldn’t hunt anymore. They were so enthused that they made another appointment to come back next year.

When they returned to rent TOP the next year, the retired First Sergeant told the officers that they could rent TOP for five bucks. Five dollars??? The first year it was $100 each then the next was $200 each. How could it only be five dollars now?

The retired First Sergeant said, not long after ya’ll were here last year, I rented TOP to a group of Privates. One of them called TOP, Sergeant Major by mistake…

Now all he does is sit around and bark at you!

[Mark A Collier Sr]

(Now don't get mad at me... This is supposed to be ole' Cagun talkin'! I am not picking on anyone lol)

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run Outta nightcrawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mouf. He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs, so he decides to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin, so Boudreaux had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, hada real good grip on his haid, yeh.

Well, Boudreaux pried his mouf open and got de frog and puts it in his bait can. Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or he's gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a Tennessee hillbilly moonshine likker. He pour some drops into de snakes mouf.

Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and his body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux toss dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fish'n.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin' on his barefoot toe.He slowly look down and dere be dat cotton moufed water moccasin, wif Two more frogs. Life is Good!!!!!!!

[Stovall-SS]

Originally Posted by NSCRFN3

Yesterday I was taking a break in the back garden after nasty storms, and my wife upstairs was having a shower.

I couldn't find the rake so I yelled up to her: "Honey, where's the rake?".

She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?".

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. My wife wasn't sure and said, "What?". I repeated the gestures: "EYE KNEE THE RAKE".

My wife replied that she understood and signalled back. She first pointed to her eye, next she pointed to her left breast, then she pointed to her bum, and finally to her crotch.

Well, I had no idea what in god's name she was on about, so I trudged up the stairs, poked my head into the bathroom and asked her, "What the hell was that?".

She replied

















EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH

OMG thats funny!

[Dr Jkel]

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." AND THE WINNER IS...

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

[CamaroCowboy]

Originally Posted by Dr Jkel

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." AND THE WINNER IS...

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

LMFAO....

[Tessa]

Originally Posted by Dr Jkel

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail." AND THE WINNER IS...

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

Oooooohhhh.....
priceless...

[Lawdog1911]

Originally Posted by Mark A Collier Sr

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Uncle Sam of Course!

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Now you know that currently, Uncle Sam is taking BOTH cents and then loaning you one and tax the one that you were loaned! ROFL!

Originally Posted by Lawdog1911

Uncle Sam of Course!

[Da Hose]

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today,
really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come
work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I
> feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes
> everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again:
"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon.
You got nice house."

[Da Hose]

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

[Da Hose]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old,
>>still working fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign
>>on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For
>>three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking
>>twice at it. He eventually decided
>>that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good
>>to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50".
>>The next day someone stole it.
>>They Walk Among Us!
>>
>>
>>While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
>>which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the
>>sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in
>>the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the
>>East, and has for sometime, she shook
>>her hea d and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They
>>Walk Among Us!
>>
>>
>>
>>I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
>>I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call
>>center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24
>>hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or
>>Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
>>quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . They Walk Among Us!
>>
>>My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
>>overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
>>sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down
>>in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the
>>car was moving". . . . . . . . .
>>They Walk Among Us!
>>
>>My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut
>>through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk
>>. . They Walk Among Us!
>>
>>My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
>>discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
>>cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
>>......They Walk Among Us!
>>
>>I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose
>>ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't
>>the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that
>>a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter
>>which way the head is turned. . . . .
>>. . . They Walk Among Us!
>>
>>
>>I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went
>>to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags
>>never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she
>>was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she
>>asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? "
>>. . . . . They Walk Among Us!
>>
>>While working at a Pizza Parl or I observed a man ordering a small
>>pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
>>would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some
>>time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think
>>I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
>>..
>>..... Yep, They Walk Among Us too.
>>
>>
>>Not only do they walk among us, they reproduce!

[CamaroCowboy]

Originally Posted by Da Hose

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old,
>>still working fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign
>>on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For
>>three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking
>>twice at it. He eventually decided
>>that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good
>>to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50".
>>The next day someone stole it.
>>They Walk Among Us!
>>
>>
>>While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
>>which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the
>>sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in
>>the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the
>>East, and has for sometime, she shook
>>her hea d and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They
>>Walk Among Us!
>>
>>
>>
>>I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
>>I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call
>>center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24
>>hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or
>>Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
>>quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . They Walk Among Us!
>>
>>My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
>>overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the
>>sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down
>>in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the
>>car was moving". . . . . . . . .
>>They Walk Among Us!
>>
>>My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut
>>through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk
>>. . They Walk Among Us!
>>
>>My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
>>discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
>>cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
>>......They Walk Among Us!
>>
>>I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose
>>ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't
>>the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that
>>a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter
>>which way the head is turned. . . . .
>>. . . They Walk Among Us!
>>
>>
>>I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went
>>to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags
>>never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she
>>was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she
>>asked me, "has your plane arrived yet? "
>>. . . . . They Walk Among Us!
>>
>>While working at a Pizza Parl or I observed a man ordering a small
>>pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
>>would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some
>>time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think
>>I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
>>..
>>..... Yep, They Walk Among Us too.
>>
>>
>>Not only do they walk among us, they reproduce!

LMFAO..........

[Lawdog1911]

Originally Posted by Da Hose

>>My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
>>discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
>>cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
>>......They Walk Among Us!

I kid you not, a few years ago, I broke a $100 bill at a gas station. The blonde over the counter said, thats (6) $20s? I just grinned, and she gave me the six twenties, and I went across the street, and got another $100 and took it back to her to break it again, and again! Best $60 I ever made! She prolly got fired, but I was just driving thru town, never to see it again.

[Da Hose]

Originally Posted by Lawdog1911

I kid you not, a few years ago, I broke a $100 bill at a gas station. The blonde over the counter said, thats (6) $20s? I just grinned, and she gave me the six twenties, and I went across the street, and got another $100 and took it back to her to break it again, and again! Best $60 I ever made! She prolly got fired, but I was just driving thru town, never to see it again.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.......


You only needed "and they walk among us" at the end!!!!