Joke tellin' page

[NSCRFN3]

When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper...
"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"

[nickjohn]

Wow! These jokes are really nice.i enjoyed reading them.thanks for sharing with us.

[Dr Jkel]

LAWYER JOKE


The United Way realized that it had never received a donation

from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research

shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars,

you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something

back to your community through the United Way ?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your

research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh . . . no, I

didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother,

a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable

to support his wife and six children?'

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology,

but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's

husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm

so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So . . . if I didn't give any money

to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you.

[hot_rod]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?
Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, Hello, son, is your Grandma home?
The little boy replied, Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.
The minister fainted!

[hot_rod]

I was reading the paper in the local diner. The headlines mentioned the bombing of a Sao Paulo school bus,

Three Brazilian Boys Killed in Terrorist Bombing

A blonde walked by, and noticing the headline, broke down and sobbed, "When will it all end? My God, what a catastrophe!"
Slightly taken aback at the depth of her reaction, I sympathized with her, saying it was indeed a tragedy.

Regaining her composure, she asked, "How many is a brazilian, anyway?"

[NSCRFN3]

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal:
"Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

[lakers171]

Originally Posted by NSCRFN3

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal:
"Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

lol

[lil_red_v6]

why are divorces so expensive?

because there worth it.

[NSCRFN3]

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

[lil_red_v6]

A teacher asks her students to give her a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it. A little girl says, "Walt Disney World is fascinating."

The teacher says, "No, I said, 'fascinate.'"

Another little girl says, "There's so much fascination when it comes to sea life."

The teacher again says, "No, the word is fascinate."

Little Johnny yells from the back of the room, "My mom has such big boobs that she can only fasten eight of the 10 buttons on her shirt."

[lil_red_v6]

Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

[lil_red_v6]

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.

The guy asks, "What's in the box?"

The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."

The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?"

The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.

"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."

The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.

"Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands.

"South American Blow Job Toad."

"So?" asks the wife.

"So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."

[NSCRFN3]

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune....

"One US soldier is better than ten Taliban"

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes then silence. The voice then calls out.....

"One US soldier is better than one hundred Taliban"

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune, and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again....

"One US soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.

Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander..... "Don't send any more men... it's a trap... there's two of them!"...

[hot_rod]

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER - When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run,
my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow
I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the
car, playing golf, Always something more important to me. Finally
she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short
time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when
I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

How Fights Start....... One year, a husband decided to buy his
mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.. The next year, he
didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you
still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how
the fight started.....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have ***?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She
didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said,
'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight
started...
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her
the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And
that's when the fight started.....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first...'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He
said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for
herself.' And that's when the fight started.....
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the
channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the
fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone
at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed,
' He's my old boyfriend I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since.' 'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...