Things you should know about cops

[KILLER74Z28]

My brother sent me these, very funny...

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of
actual police car videos around the country.

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you
didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I
can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't
think it will help. Oh ... did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you
go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a
toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but
now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of
yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."

And................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets?..... You're right,
we don't. .... Sign here.

[CamaroSpike23]

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

13. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school.

14. Bad cop! No Donut!

15. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?

16. Wow! You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

17. So...you on the take, or what?

18. What do you mean "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of weed, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

20. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to the .45 under my shirt.

21. Is it possible to get you to do one of those "body cavity searches"?

22. Back off Barney, I've got a piece.

23. Wanna race to the station, Sparky?

24. I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!

25. On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

26. You'll never get those cuffs on me...

27. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

28. Hey wasn't your daughter a porn queen?

29. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.

30. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

31. I'm surprised you stopped me, DUNKIN DONUTS has a 3 for 1 special!

32. Fill it up with supreme - and check the oil while you're at it. .


i actually had #7 happen to me. I was drivin and while the cop was checkin my info at the window, my buddy leans over and asks me "do you think he'll look in the trunk?"
needless to say, my buddy got arrested for his backpack half full of weed that he had put their b4 we started the night. (for the record, I didnt know what was in the bag, but I didnt have room in the back seat of the 78, cus my tool box was there and my camping gear so he put it in the trunk)

[Eisenhower]

I thought your list was hilarious, Greg!!!
My personal favs...
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
15. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
17. So...you on the take, or what?

I only know one

That's funny... I didn't order a male stripper!

[TAG UR IT]

I loved those too. There sure are some good ones, there!

[JWz28]

Reminds me of a joke....

This guy is driving down the highway at 80mph and a cop starts chasing him down. The guy sees that the cop is chasing him so he takes it up to 95mph. No good, the cop is still reeling him in. He speeds up to 120mph thinking surely this guy is going to give up. No luck. Takes it up to 130mph and after about 5 miles runs out of gas. When his car comes to a stop the cop jerks him out of the car and starts yelling at him and asks if he couldn't see the lights or hear the sirens. The guys says no I knew you were there, but you have to understand....my wife left me about 2 months ago for a cop. The cop asks what does that have to do with driving so fast. The guy says I thought you were the one and you were trying to bring her back.

JWz28.

[TAG UR IT]

Originally Posted by JWz28

Reminds me of a joke....

This guy is driving down the highway at 80mph and a cop starts chasing him down. The guy sees that the cop is chasing him so he takes it up to 95mph. No good, the cop is still reeling him in. He speeds up to 120mph thinking surely this guy is going to give up. No luck. Takes it up to 130mph and after about 5 miles runs out of gas. When his car comes to a stop the cop jerks him out of the car and starts yelling at him and asks if he couldn't see the lights or hear the sirens. The guys says no I knew you were there, but you have to understand....my wife left me about 2 months ago for a cop. The cop asks what does that have to do with driving so fast. The guy says I thought you were the one and you were trying to bring her back.

JWz28.

[CamaroSpike23]

Originally Posted by JWz28

Reminds me of a joke....

This guy is driving down the highway at 80mph and a cop starts chasing him down. The guy sees that the cop is chasing him so he takes it up to 95mph. No good, the cop is still reeling him in. He speeds up to 120mph thinking surely this guy is going to give up. No luck. Takes it up to 130mph and after about 5 miles runs out of gas. When his car comes to a stop the cop jerks him out of the car and starts yelling at him and asks if he couldn't see the lights or hear the sirens. The guys says no I knew you were there, but you have to understand....my wife left me about 2 months ago for a cop. The cop asks what does that have to do with driving so fast. The guy says I thought you were the one and you were trying to bring her back.

JWz28.

ROFLMMFAO

[TAG UR IT]

Originally Posted by CamaroSpike23

ROFLMMFAO

I love that abbreviation!!! Good one!

[Mindz]

Speaking of cops, I just got home about 10 minutes ago. Here's a story for you Tag.

There's an accident where a beamer runs off the road on an onramp (only way to do this is if you overshoot the turn onto the onramp which means you're going 70+. I bypass that and go to my secondary freeway entrance to go home. It's 2:15 AM now.

A highway patrolman (CHP) follows me from the scene of the accident, he just hops in his car (I see him) and chirps the tires to follow me. I drive the speed limit like I normally do at this time of night when I can just cruise and listen to music all the way home. 30 minutes and about 29.2 miles later, as I'm taking the offramp to go home, FLASH go his lights.

I'm thinking WTF? I haven't been speeding, I didn't weave lanes, I was just on a joyride relaxing on the way home. Why am I being pulled over, and WHY NOW AFTER HALF HOUR OF FOLLOWING ME?

He comes up polite and concerned it seemed to me. He didn't ask for my license and reg, but simply asks how I was doing. !?!?!?!?!?!??! You pull me over to ask how I'm doing?


I respond with, "I'm fine, and you?"

"I'm good. Have you had anything to drink tonight?"

"Not a thing sir. I'm on my way home from work in San Francisco."

"Are you sure? You were swerving all the way home." (Again, you pull me over NOW???)


Now normally when I drive, I follow somewhat racing lines inside my lane. I start at the outside of the lane, hit the apex, and exit all the way to the outside again simulating a turn out point. I only do this on long winding turns because I think it's fun and that's how you're taught to drive when you go to places such as Skip Barber.

"I only switched lanes to exit, I had the cruise control on and I follow the correct lines for corners. Saves wear on my tires and gas mileage."

"I see, well do me a favor and lean out your window a bit please." (Oh great he thinks I'm under the influence)

(I follow his pen without a second thought and pass the exam with flying colors.)

"Alright sir, can you do me a favor and wake up?"

"Sure thing Officer. I'm 2 blocks from home anyways. Have a good night."


He wasn't aggressive, or rude, but the fact that he followed me for that long just irks the hell out of me. My curiousity is frustrating me. I don't know whether he was stupid, or just wanted to question me, but the fact he said I was swerving on the freeway, but didn't mention anything about my perfect driving on the city streets of SF is pissing me off.

Any thoughts/insight Tag?

[JWz28]

I know you asked Tag, but I would wager to say it's a combination of the time of day and your driving style...but why he followed you for so long who knows. Maybe because you didn't actually cross the lines, but were using the whole lane as you entered, apexed and exited the turns.

I saw a guy here in Dallas with a bumper sticker that read "Hell ya I'm drunk, what do think I am, a stuntman!!" Not advisable.

JWz28.

[TAG UR IT]

Well...I'm kinda lost on this one. He could have seen you make the turn and thought you were drunk. Most normal people stay in the center of the lane during turns. We, on the other hand, drive "normal."

He could have been bored. He could have thought you were drunk (in which case I would have followed for a few miles. But, had I not seen any indicators of someone driving while intoxicated, I would have called it a day after a few miles. Maybe when you drove by the accident, you were doing the speed limit. Officers like for people to slow down if they are on the roadway working. And, it's the law to either vacate the lane closest to the officer or slow at least 20mph below the posted limit. Did either of these apply to your situation? He could have been ticked off and decided to follow because you might not have slowed for them or cleard the lane. Or, he could have been bored.

Or, he could have been going in the same direction as you. I have left traffic stops, accidents, pulled out of driveways, and have just so happened to be going the same direction or to the same location as someone else. I have followed people for long periods of time, but only because I had to get somewhere. Usually, the only reason I will follow them for so long is because THEY WON'T GET OUT OF MY WAY!!!

There are numerous possibilities. The last...he was a jerk....waiting for you do screw up. I hate those guys. I had an officer follow me FOREVER out in Helotes. I pulled up to the exit of my neighborhood. I heard a loud bang from under my truck. The officer was turning around in front of me as I was making my right turn onto the hwy. We drove for 5 miles and he stopped me at a gas station. I was freakin pissed. I couldn't figure out why he was stopping me. I was pissed and he knew it. He told me to chill out. I continued asking why he was stopping me. He said he saw me throw a beer bottle out of my window (hence the thump I heard from under my truck). I was pissed and told him he did not see me throw a bottle and he knew it. If he said I did again, he would be lying which goes against everything he stood for. I was FUMING. Then, looking at the front of my truck, I notice something. One of my four KC lights is missing.....Hmmmm..... Guess what the thump was under my truck....

Now, I was not only pissed, but upset I lost a KC. I calmed down a bit, apologized to the officer (he was waiting for a safe and well lit place to stop me), and went back to my hood where I picked up my trashed KC light.

[Mindz]

5 lane road, accident was the left side of the road (veering left at the stoplight would put you on the freeway). I was in the middle lane when I saw it, and moved over to the lane second from the right, so I was in the fourth lane from the accident. Also It was a stoplight, so I was doing the speedlimit of 0 MPH.

I'm not arguing with you, but you asked for these answers. I don't peel out or redline 1 and 2nd to get up to the speed limit either. So I don't know what his deal was.

I think another reason I've been pissed is because I'm driving as cautiously as I can until the camaro comes out, because I'm keeping traffic school as an option in case something slips when I get mine.

[TAG UR IT]

Originally Posted by Mindz

5 lane road, accident was the left side of the road (veering left at the stoplight would put you on the freeway). I was in the middle lane when I saw it, and moved over to the lane second from the right, so I was in the fourth lane from the accident. Also It was a stoplight, so I was doing the speedlimit of 0 MPH.

I'm not arguing with you, but you asked for these answers. I don't peel out or redline 1 and 2nd to get up to the speed limit either. So I don't know what his deal was.

I think another reason I've been pissed is because I'm driving as cautiously as I can until the camaro comes out, because I'm keeping traffic school as an option in case something slips when I get mine.

I know you aren't arguing and it's all cool by me. I couldn't tell ya why he did what he did. The answers you give just make it all that much more odd as to his actions. Why didn't you ask him why he followed you for 29.2 miles while he claims you were "swerving" all the way home instead of stopping you earlier?

[Mindz]

He drove off and I didn't wanna start popping off at him and chance him finding some reason to write me a ticket/citation. Rather just drive the two blocks to my house and try to sleep. Loss of sleep > Traffic school and a fine for a ticket I don't deserve.

Anyways, does TX have races with local drivers at a strip where you can race against the police Camaro/Mustang for prizes? Of course none of the illegally modded cars show up, but it's kinda fun and a way to run the quarter without tickets since it's sanctioned by the police. CA used to have that, but I haven't heard of it for a while.