Joke tellin' page

[Mr Twisty]

Originally Posted by NSCRFN3

Renault and Ford are working on a new,
small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus,
and calling it the "Clitaurus".
It comes in pink, and the average male
car thief won't be able to find it, even if
someone tells him where it is.

[MIT'13]

LOL these are hilarious. I just spent like an hour reading them. Keep em coming!

[Tessa]

This thread is funny

[hot_rod]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"CRAP!" said Claude.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

[NSCRFN3]

A Little Visual Aid.

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Originally Posted by NSCRFN3

A Little Visual Aid.

[Mr Twisty]

Originally Posted by hot_rod

"CRAP!" said Claude.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

Don't remember if this was already posted, if so, well, read it again

A woman was talking to her husband late one night and said, "Honey, if I die before you will you remarry" The husband said, "No sweetie, you are the light of my life..I could never love another woman besides you". After a few more minutes she asked her husband, "Honey, if I died first will you let another woman have my clothes and jewelry?" Her husband answered, "No darling, I could never love another woman enough to ever let her have anything of yours." Finally after a few more minutes the wife said, "Darling, if I died would you ever let another woman have my golf clubs?" The husband immediately sat up and said, "That would be plain stupid, you're right handed and she's left handed!"

[the upcoming]

Y'all need some pooh pooh broussard in y'all life
Idk how to put vids from YouTube up search for pooh pooh Broussard and the Cajun titanic


ROSE YOU FLYIN HUH SHA?

[NSCRFN3]

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[dixon696]

Oh these are some really funny jokes.I loved reading them. thanks for making me laugh.Do share more such jokes with us.

[hot_rod]

A Texas senior citizen drove his 2010 Camaro out of his garage. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little white hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-35, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, red & blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the camaro, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.

The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Have a good day, Sir,".

[talon6900]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint-conditioner.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with a towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror admiring the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs sticking on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again
Throw wet towel on bed.

[NSCRFN3]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[2010CamaroOutlaw]

3 addicts go see a specialist, one is addicted to alcohol, another cigarettes and one addicted to sex. The specialist tells them there is nothing he can do for them and that the next time they indulge in their addiction they will die. The 3 men are walking along and pass a bar, the alcoholic says, "shit I have to have a drink" He goes inside and has a beer and falls down dead. The 2 men continue along the street and as they are walking the smoking addict sees a lit cigarette on the ground, the two men stop and look at the cigarette for a few minutes. The sex addict then turns to the smoker and states, "if you bend over to pick that up we're both dead."