Joke tellin' page

[ddennis]

History Lesson-Horses Asses live forever


HISTORY LESSON with humor!!

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used? Well, because that's the way they built them in England , and English engineers designed the first US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the wagon tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
So, why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that same wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break more often on some of the old, long distance roads in England . You see, that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since..

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match or run the risk of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with this?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' asses..)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel... The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything and...


CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

[Mark A Collier Sr]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2010 when...



1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave..



2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.



3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3..



4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you...



5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses .



6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries..



7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.




8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.





10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.




11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )





12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.





13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.






14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.




15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.



AND NOW U R LAUGHING AT YOURSELF

[hot_rod]

Only a Farm Kid would know this
When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different.



A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"

"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No sir, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'


The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[NSCRFN3]

*A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.**

*She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other..'*

*He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'*

*So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.*

*One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike
position, at which point he straightened out and cut the
water like a knife.*

*After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.*

*She said, 'That was incredible!'*

*He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'*

*So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.*

*After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool,
lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.*

*He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic
endurance swimmer?'*

*'No,' she said, 'I was a hooker in Pittsburgh and I worked
both sides of the River"

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Don't have anything to post... Just letting you guys know I am in CUBA for the next two weeks and don't know how often I will have a good internet line to post anything!!! Ya'll keep it going for me! BE GOOD!

[myold88]

This guy picks up his usual car pool buddy and as they drive out of their neighborhood into town, out on the front lawn of a house they see two dogs doing it doggy style.
He askes his friend: Does your wife like to do it like that ?
The passenger replies: I wish, No way, Never. My wife is very conservative.
The driver says- My wife was the same way when we were first married, but I found if I give her a couple of martines she do whatever I want- Try it, it works for me.
The next morning he picks up his buddy and asked- How it go last night ?
His buddy replies: Fine but it took 4 martinies just to get her out on the front lawn !

[Big Brunsy]

Originally Posted by Mark A Collier Sr

Don't have anything to post... Just letting you guys know I am in CUBA for the next two weeks and don't know how often I will have a good internet line to post anything!!! Ya'll keep it going for me! BE GOOD!

sounds fun
Have a GREAT time!!

[Dr Jkel]

This thread is great

[x626xBlack]

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.When your husband comes home drunk,
just take a glass of sweet tea and startswishing it in your mouth. Just swish and
swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comesback to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, Iswished with sweet tea. I swished
and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[x626xBlack]

Blonde password...


During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrame nto"


When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

[x626xBlack]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and
HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career
where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a bike mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared
carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When
the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I
don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I
wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine
apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put
the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of
the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an
extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've
never seen done in my entire career."

[x626xBlack]

A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later". The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, ???He went that way. "

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq. "

The nun said she understood completely.

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs."

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either"

[8ty8 ls1]

hahahaha keep this thread going!!!

[NSCRFN3]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting......

"What's up?" she asks.

"I think I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband...

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in your closet and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, rips open the closet door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

"You rotten "Bitch", she screams.

"My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!"