Joke tellin' page

[hot_rod]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in
their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them." demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies
the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's
half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband
down

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Originally Posted by hot_rod

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in
their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them." demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of
face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies
the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's
half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband
down

I wonder if Single folks get this?? ROFL

[NSCRFN3]

Mexican word of the day: Hoochie
My vieja found a girl's number on my phone and she yelled 'tell me hoochie is!!!'

Mexican Word of the Day: Wafer
I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los pendejos didn't wafer me.

Mexican Word of the Day: Wheelchair
My homie was downing a 40 and I said, hey where's mine? He says don't worry, wheelchair!

Mexican Word of the Day: Injure
Me and my homies were playing poker and when I won, I yelled injure face!

Mexican Word of the Day: Tissue
Hey vato if you don't know how to do it, let me tissue!

Mexican Word of the Day: Sodas
My vieja complains a lot and sodas her sister!!

Mexican Word of the Day: Juarez
My vieja slapped me and I said Juarez your problem?!

Mexican Word of the Day: Water
My vieja gets mad and I don't even know water problem is.

Mexican Word of the Day: Texas
My friend always Texas me dumb jokes!

[GNVenom]

I went to see my doctor.

Told him I wasn't feeling well.

He referred me to a Urologist.

She was young, built sweet and absolutely gorgeous.

She told me I need to stop masturbating.

I asked her "WHY?"

She said "So I can examine you".

[NSCRFN3]

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Originally Posted by GNVenom

I went to see my doctor.

Told him I wasn't feeling well.

He referred me to a Urologist.

She was young, built sweet and absolutely gorgeous.

She told me I need to stop masturbating.

I asked her "WHY?"

She said "So I can examine you".

x2

[hot_rod]

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before?

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"


13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there.

[Tessa]

Originally Posted by Mark A Collier Sr

I wonder if Single folks get this?? ROFL

That's why we're single!!

[Tessa]

Originally Posted by hot_rod

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their Colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before?

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Oh boy! That was sphincterrific!"

5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

6. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally married."

7. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"

8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

11. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

12. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?"


13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there.

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Making a baby.. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there..'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said..

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat..

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh....equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs.. Smith fainted!!

[NSCRFN3]

Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22-year-old white male, in a pumpkin patch, at 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a heavy drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around,' he stated in a telephone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin? '

'He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...
"A pumpkin? **** ..... is it midnight already?"'

[NSCRFN3]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, I
wanna watch.

[Mark A Collier Sr]

OH BOY!!! Here is a JOKE...on me!

My daughter had a small oil leak in her car. I have asked if she had been checking the level... I have! she answers! UNTIL today when she called and said I broke down. I get there and what oil was left was on the ground and the dipstick was dry! ENGINE BLOWN! It will cost more to fix than the car(1998 dodge neon) is worth! SUPER JOY!!!

I really wish this WAS a joke! I don't know how I will pay for it!

[GNVenom]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother "Tommy Wilson showed me his willy today".

Her mom was shocked but before she could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut".

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really tiny, huh?"

"No" little Sally said. "Salty".