Joke tellin' page

[NSCRFN3]

A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go."

From now on when I say "BELL 1"

I want you to strip naked.

When I say "BELL 2"

I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say "BELL 3"

we are going to make love all night.

The next night he came home from work and yelled

"BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "BELL 2!",
the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "BELL 3!",
they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"

"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband?


"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she replied
"YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE."

[Mark A Collier Sr]

Everyone is quick to scream RACIST!
This is a good example!!!!

A guy walks into a store and asks, 'In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?'

The clerk looks at him and says, 'Are you Polish?'
...
The guy (clearly offended) says, 'Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you have asked me if I were Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you have asked me if I were German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you have asked me if I were Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco, would you have asked if I were Mexican?'

'If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you have asked if I were Irish?'

The clerk says, 'Well, no, I probably not'.

Then, with deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, 'So why did you ask me if
I'm Polish when I asked for Polish sausage?'

The clerk replied, 'Because you're in Home Depot'

[8ty8 ls1]

hahaha i'm polish and that was hilarious.

[hot_rod]

One day God was looking down on earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

[Iwantone2]

[Dave McFly]

A man decides to go ice fishing one day, and after finding the perfect spot he begins to cut a hole in the ice, all of a sudden he hears a voice.

"There's no fish under the ice"

The guy looks up, writes it off to hearing things and resumes cutting the ice, and he hears the voice again.

"There's no fish under the ice."

The guy looks up and asks..

"Is that you god?"

The voice says.

"No, this is the owner of the skating rink, there is no fish under the ice."

[NSCRFN3]

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

[NSCRFN3]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? 'Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much

4.. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

[hot_rod]

Originally Posted by Mark A Collier Sr

ROFL!! yes! Maybe not the funniest... BUT IS the BIGGEST JOKE EVER!

[springerpete]

Definition of a MISTRESS: What goes between a Mister and a Matress.

My aunt told me that one.

[hot_rod]

A guy walks into a bar with a small dog.
The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog...this dog can play the piano!"
The bartender hooks a thumb over at a piano in the corner,
"If that dog can play that piano, you both get a drink on the house!"

The guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing Ragtime, Mozart, Thelonious Monk...
and the bartender and patrons are loving it. Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.
The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a dentist."

[NSCRFN3]

Yeah it would be too easy to turn this into a make fun of Obama thread! lol But the occasional one never hurts......Right?

[myold88]

LUCY THE GORILLA..........
The same time every year Lucy the gorilla goes into heat and starts driving everyone at the zoo nuts for days- yelling, screaming, banging against her cage all day and all night.

The zookeeper goes into the manager and says Lucys at it again and I don't know what to do.
The manager says you know we cant afford a male gorilla, but we can't go on like this.
After awile, the manager says why dont you get crazy Harold the groundskeeper to take care of her- He's nuts, you say he will do anything- Remind him of his $500.00 bonus.

So the zookeeper talks to crazy Harold, explains the problem and mentions the $500.00 and askes if he will make love to Lucy.

Harold says he's not sure, will think about it and get back to them the next day.

THe following day crazy Harold agrees to do it but says only on 3 conditions-
1) I'm not going to kiss that gorilla.
2) You can't ever tell anyone about this. And
3) It will take me until about Friday to come up with the $500.00

[Dion_1969]

Two wealthy Repubs are sitting in a restaurant, one of them being the owner.

The owner turns to his guest and says, "See? I'm doing my part to help the economy, I just opened up three new jobs in my restaurant."

Just as the two get finished toasting each other's success, the busboy comes by to clear off their dishes and says, "I know, I have all three of them."

Alternate ending; The guest says " but he is an illegal immigrant. We are against illegal immigrants" The owner says "Yes, but I only have to pay him 1/3 the salary, no social security, no insurance, no taxes and if he gets uppity I just threaten to have him deported" The guest says "Holly Shizit where can I get one!"

Now there are your true republican ideals