Teenager Attitudes

[MrGood]

Originally Posted by The_Blur

As much as you're going to hate me for saying this, giving him one break from the norm will shake the attitude out of him. Start the day normally one weekend, but get into a situation doing his thing later that day. Participate with him. If he's on the XBox playing Halo, ask if you can try it. Let him show you how he plays and just have fun with your terribly statistics. Don't get too intense on him or try to have a talk about how you want the best for him. He doesn't need to hear it because it might not mean anything to him yet. Showing him that you want to be part of what he does might give him a chance to build a relationship with you.

Kids have an attitude because they see adults as disciplinarians. Today is not 30 years ago. We don't spend time at home working on the car. We spend time at home brooding over the work our bosses emailed us after we got home. All that bonding time you had with your dad working on the Chevelle is long gone. You don't do that with your kid, so you need to create the same experiences that they'll enjoy.

For perspective, when you come home from work, your teenager has gotten off of a stressful day of school. In fact, that day at school may have been more stressful than your day at work with the social pressures of daily life, material that isn't taught that well at school, and extra work when they get home. After 6 hours of school, they either spend another 2 or more hours of abuse at the will of an insatiable coach with the expectation that they'll put themselves through more abuse on their 2 days off. Now that they've spent over 8 hours of their day in a socially and mentally stressful environment with the prospect of physical weariness if they participate in a sport, they come home and just want to kick back just like you, but you want them to clean their room or wash the car or get a job.

There's the trigger. You're coming home from working 8 hours, and you're telling your kid who just went to a place that they'd rather not for 8 hours and you want them to do something else. A lot of kids say that you don't understand them because you really don't. They work as hard as you every day, but they don't get paid and only benefit in the future while you benefit biweekly in the form of a corporate check. You, therefore, are the last straw of their already crappy day. When they're 30 and out of college, they'll thank you for giving them the discipline to succeed at their jobs and lives, making them fulfilled individuals potentially with families of their own.

Until then, you need to walk a fine line, like your parents did. You need to tell them what to do so that they are compelled to go above and beyond expectations for the rest of their lives. You also need to motivate them to listen to you. Besides the need to tell them what to do, you have to give them some reason to listen to you besides shelter and food. Participate in their lives. Remember that they are unique individuals, just like all of us here on Camaro5. Many of us are adults who have the perspective that our parents wish we had at the age of your children. Because they are unique individuals, they have different goals and wants than you, so you need to give them a chance to explore those wants. You might want their room to be clean, so make sure that they make their room clean. That's them working for you. In exchange, work a little for them by participating in their desires, whether that is to be the best damned video game player in the world, to write lyrics for the neighborhood rock band, or to represent a country in the model UN club. What little you do to participate will make your relationship stronger, and they will show you the same courtesy and respect that they show their friends while still obeying you like you deserve as their parent.

Well said my man!

[Mr. Wyndham]

Originally Posted by The_Blur

As much as you're going to hate me for saying this, giving him one break from the norm will shake the attitude out of him. Start the day normally one weekend, but get into a situation doing his thing later that day. Participate with him. If he's on the XBox playing Halo, ask if you can try it. Let him show you how he plays and just have fun with your terribly statistics. Don't get too intense on him or try to have a talk about how you want the best for him. He doesn't need to hear it because it might not mean anything to him yet. Showing him that you want to be part of what he does might give him a chance to build a relationship with you.

Kids have an attitude because they see adults as disciplinarians. Today is not 30 years ago. We don't spend time at home working on the car. We spend time at home brooding over the work our bosses emailed us after we got home. All that bonding time you had with your dad working on the Chevelle is long gone. You don't do that with your kid, so you need to create the same experiences that they'll enjoy.

For perspective, when you come home from work, your teenager has gotten off of a stressful day of school. In fact, that day at school may have been more stressful than your day at work with the social pressures of daily life, material that isn't taught that well at school, and extra work when they get home. After 6 hours of school, they either spend another 2 or more hours of abuse at the will of an insatiable coach with the expectation that they'll put themselves through more abuse on their 2 days off. Now that they've spent over 8 hours of their day in a socially and mentally stressful environment with the prospect of physical weariness if they participate in a sport, they come home and just want to kick back just like you, but you want them to clean their room or wash the car or get a job.

There's the trigger. You're coming home from working 8 hours, and you're telling your kid who just went to a place that they'd rather not for 8 hours and you want them to do something else. A lot of kids say that you don't understand them because you really don't. They work as hard as you every day, but they don't get paid and only benefit in the future while you benefit biweekly in the form of a corporate check. You, therefore, are the last straw of their already crappy day. When they're 30 and out of college, they'll thank you for giving them the discipline to succeed at their jobs and lives, making them fulfilled individuals potentially with families of their own.

Until then, you need to walk a fine line, like your parents did. You need to tell them what to do so that they are compelled to go above and beyond expectations for the rest of their lives. You also need to motivate them to listen to you. Besides the need to tell them what to do, you have to give them some reason to listen to you besides shelter and food. Participate in their lives. Remember that they are unique individuals, just like all of us here on Camaro5. Many of us are adults who have the perspective that our parents wish we had at the age of your children. Because they are unique individuals, they have different goals and wants than you, so you need to give them a chance to explore those wants. You might want their room to be clean, so make sure that they make their room clean. That's them working for you. In exchange, work a little for them by participating in their desires, whether that is to be the best damned video game player in the world, to write lyrics for the neighborhood rock band, or to represent a country in the model UN club. What little you do to participate will make your relationship stronger, and they will show you the same courtesy and respect that they show their friends while still obeying you like you deserve as their parent.

Very Impressively written/thought out.

I'm reading everything in here...some things are a little disappointing and others a little interesting....but I'm not touching this with a 200 yrd pole!!

[Revo1]

Originally Posted by jrboyd_1980

My brother is a cop. You can discpline your son. There is a HUGE difference between beating and discpline. Open handed is ok, Close handed is a problem.

But at 14, he's likely to try and fight back. Just saying. I know I sure did... :\ At that age, (with me anyway) only thing that worked was to leave me alone.

Have somewhat generous boundaries, and leave him to respect them. Being that he's already been given slack, if he crosses then line then you're justified in laying down the smack on his ass... But then I haven't dealt with a teenager, I only know what kept me in line. (Which was nothing, really. But this worked the best)

[Revo1]

Originally Posted by zweb620

Take it from me.....I'm 14
Take his stuff away.
Every time he swears or acts disrespectful take something he likes away
It will work.Trust me

LOL a good strategy... Only worked on me for a little while though. The more they took, the angrier I got, and the more I acted out.

[MrGood]

Originally Posted by Revo1

LOL a good strategy... Only worked on me for a little while though. The more they took, the angrier I got, and the more I acted out.

[Justin]

I know some people that used to work with a youth group that used to work with inner-city kids in gangs, drugs, etc. They always started out the summer with this little number. They'd take all of the kids out in canoes and kayaks, and explain to them about some current that would pretty much take them out to England if they got caught in it and tell them not to screw around. Every year a few of them would, and the kids that didn't would be freaking out after two hours of the people not coming back, and I'm sure the kids in the canoes were going nuts too. Well, they'd let them get stuck in the current and tire themselves out, the whole time having someone watching them from a helicopter.

Obviously that's pretty elaborate, but I think it's the best way to explain what I was driving at which is give them some slack and let them make a mistake under your supervision and be there to help them when they do.

What works best with my students, and it may or may not work with a home setting, is autonomy. For instance, if one week a class is acting particularly badly, I'll tell them I'll make their quiz on Friday take-home if there are no more behavioral problems for the rest of the week, and if they don't act better overall after the week is over I'll give them harder quizzes for the next few weeks. See if you can work with the all-inclusive family on coming up with a universal set of rewards and punishments.

I don't know how much, if any of that has merit. I'm pretty unexperienced in both environments (I'm not actually a teacher yet, I'm doing a field experience which is kinda like student teaching before student teaching), but I figured I'd try to contribute.

[shank0668]

Im 13, I just know not to mess with my dad.

[JamesMO]

hey man i was a prick when i was that age too. it's probably a mix of hormones and teenage depression. but either way you have to sit down and talk with him, just the two of you and have an actual conversation, dont talk at him. ask him what all is going on in his life and then tell him something that your having trouble with in yours and maybe he'll open up. if he's acting out like that he's probably just wanting attention and feels alone.

[hot ss]

umm buddy....
i am married (12 yrs) to a great woman who has a 15 yr old boy, and a 16 yr old girl
i have had to discipline before, and the boy actually told me "i cant touch him, its the law."
my reply was law? the law says i need to feed/clothe/shelter/educate.
the law says **** all about xbox/good wardrobe/allowance/giving into youth whims.
just last month, i gave him an open handed smack upside the side of his head for skipping out of class to smoke pot. and told him that those are choices he can make when he is 18. until then, i make the choices for him, and if that isnt good enuf, he can find his own place to live, period. his father and i are on great terms, and supports me, or else he gets the problem full time and has already refused the boy on a request to live on the greener grass. i didnt ask him to be an honors student, but i DO insist he goto school.
id take him doing pot over coke anyday, but kids dont know the proper time and place for such things. i demand respect from him, and the friends he chooses to bring into my kingdom. kids assume that privileges are the same things as rights. sounds like you 2 need a break until he can deal with you on your level. it will hurt for years, but he will come around.
show me someone thats never said as an adult, "yah, my parents were never-ever right about anything." one day, he too will impregnate some chick, that will spawn his demon seed---and he just might look back on life.

[wrek]

More details. Me and the ex get along OK.
My ex-wife's new husband has gotten into it with Conner a couple times. Once he hit Conner (slapped) in the head and the next day Conner had a bad attitude at school and told the teacher he was being beat. A 3 month investigation ensued. The step-father is going to school to be a teacher, he's in his 3rd year of school so a positive result from protective services would have ruined his career before it even started.

I tell the kid to get off the xbox and go to his room for mouthing off and he replies "No". Well, yes. No, yes, no. You better get to your room. he's like "or what?" great, I got nothing.

He's currently grounded for 6 months for this sort of thing. This is almost as tough on me as it is him because now I have his attitude around all the time. My wife can't stand him anymore... we've been married since Conner was 3.

Look, I know an internet forum isn't where to go for life counseling but I thought I'd share my misery here and see if any of you had similar situations.

I do have a LOT of experience with this. *I* was Conner when I was 14. However, I got my ass kicked one day and I sort of snapped.

[wrek]

Originally Posted by hot ss

umm buddy....
i am married (12 yrs) to a great woman who has a 15 yr old boy, and a 16 yr old girl
i have had to discipline before, and the boy actually told me "i cant touch him, its the law."
my reply was law? the law says i need to feed/clothe/shelter/educate.
the law says **** all about xbox/good wardrobe/allowance/giving into youth whims.
just last month, i gave him an open handed smack upside the side of his head for skipping out of class to smoke pot. and told him that those are choices he can make when he is 18. until then, i make the choices for him, and if that isnt good enuf, he can find his own place to live, period. his father and i are on great terms, and supports me, or else he gets the problem full time and has already refused the boy on a request to live on the greener grass. i didnt ask him to be an honors student, but i DO insist he goto school.
id take him doing pot over coke anyday, but kids dont know the proper time and place for such things. i demand respect from him, and the friends he chooses to bring into my kingdom. kids assume that privileges are the same things as rights. sounds like you 2 need a break until he can deal with you on your level. it will hurt for years, but he will come around.
show me someone thats never said as an adult, "yah, my parents were never-ever right about anything." one day, he too will impregnate some chick, that will spawn his demon seed---and he just might look back on life.

LMAO .. thanks.

Mine gave me the "law" thing also.. I said "you want to call DHS? Call them... it will take them 5 minutes to call the police and it will take the police 10 minutes to respond. That leaves me 15 minutes of just alone time, just you and me. So here's my phone." Technically I think that was abuse but he shut up about it.

Then I put him in the car and told him I had really good health insurance and we were checking him into a locked hospital ward with other kids just like him who thought they were the shit and ran the world. I told him the nurses would have him crying and begging to be let out into the play field to feel the sunshine within a week and in 3 weeks he'd be a completely different kid. He shaped up for all of a day. I think it may be time to actually take him.

[wrek]

He has a skater punk hair cut, down over his face.

Would giving him a buzz-cut be considered abuse? It's ridiculous I have to ask... but I suppose he could claim it causes emotional distress or some shit.

[1320junkie]

Originally Posted by wrek

He has a skater punk hair cut, down over his face.

Would giving him a buzz-cut be considered abuse? It's ridiculous I have to ask... but I suppose he could claim it causes emotional distress or some shit.

Nope..cut that hair off..and find other ways to rock his world a bit

[MrGood]

Originally Posted by wrek

He has a skater punk hair cut, down over his face.

Would giving him a buzz-cut be considered abuse? It's ridiculous I have to ask... but I suppose he could claim it causes emotional distress or some shit.

I say buzz it..