Funny lines....

[ShnOmac]

A thread to read when you just need to laugh!

Add your favorite jokes and one liners!!!


Courtesy of Mitch Hedberg


18. I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

17. If you go to the grocery store and stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna — somebody needs to tell the turkeys, “Man, just be yourself.”

16. I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

15. One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,”Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. “Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” “You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!”

14. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out fliers, and when someone tries to hand me out a flier, it’s kinda like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”

13. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

12. A lot of times, I’ll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake.

11. I got a king sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable. “Oh, you’re a king, you say? Well you won’t believe what I have in store for you! It’s to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your lady friend, too!”


10. I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.


9. An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.


8. I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut — end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this.

7. My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f$%k’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?

6. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

5. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

4. Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. “Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis”…one of those two doesn’t sound right.

3. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

2. My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said “Mitch, don’t use liquor as a crutch.” I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely f@cks up the way I walk. It ain’t like a crutch, it’s like a step I didn’t see.

1. I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna walk by at ten and say, “Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!”

[ShnOmac]

More from Mitch Hedberg...


“I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...”

“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”

“I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'”

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.”

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'”

“If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...”

“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”

“I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”

“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

“I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”

“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”

“2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.”

“At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9? I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.”

[ljustin293]

[Mindz]

he's hit and miss with me, but all these had my smiling.

[ShnOmac]

More from Mitch....

“On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana ...”

“This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.”

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.”

“I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...”

“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”

“I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”

“Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'”

“I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.”

“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”

"I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" and i said "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question"”

“I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.”

“I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.”

“I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, Screw that, I'll just make a copy.”

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.”

[ShnOmac]

Originally Posted by Mindz

he's hit and miss with me, but all these had my smiling.

Yeah some of his stuff was just to far out there.... But these make you laugh... Especialy if you think of the way hes says them lol

[ShnOmac]

“I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the f%^k would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one f&*kin' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a b!tch: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination...Good luck f*cker! The last payment must be made in wompum!”

“I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.”

“I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.”

“My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”

“Im sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is”

“I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.”

“I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.”

“I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you.”

“I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in s*it!”

“What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the f&^k is a sesame?! It's a street... It's a way to open sh!t...”

“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.”

“"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "F**k it. Cut 'em up."”

“The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're f*&king relentless.”

“Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'”

“Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered.”


“My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! F$ck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.”

“I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t.”

“You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.”

[ljustin293]

I read in the newpaper today that more and more adults are starting to live with their parents.


I was shocked,


I screamed out, "Mom! did you read this?"

[Number 3]

Mrs. Number 3 and I went to see him just a week or so before his death. Something was clearly wrong and he was way off. People were walking out ont he show

A very funny man, though. Have enjoyed his work.

Thanks for posting these up Shno

[ShnOmac]

Originally Posted by Number 3

Mrs. Number 3 and I went to see him just a week or so before his death. Something was clearly wrong and he was way off. People were walking out ont he show

A very funny man, though. Have enjoyed his work.

Thanks for posting these up Shno

I needed a good laugh so I was lookin up funny quotes... Thought I would share the laughs with yall

[Croathlete]

I saw him back in college. Half of the joke is really in his delivery. Really great comic and was sad to hear about what happened.

[ljustin293]

this is so true

[ShnOmac]

Originally Posted by Croathlete

Half of the joke is really in his delivery.

People that have never heard him are probably not going to like most of these

[PQ]

16. I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

This one caought me off-gaurd. Laughed my ass off.




Go to the grocery store and by some food. Then ask the cashier how much toilet paper you'll need for this amount of groceries.