[ChrisBlair]

If you are a vendor, supplier of services, landlord, or a merchant I deal with, I require your attention. I have a list of the New Rules. While these are the "new Rules" I hope you understand: these are things that you were supposed to be aware of all along.

1) When you call me on the telephone, identify yourself. You have an idea of who will be speaking to you when you call my cellphone. I do not automatically know who decided to ring me. You are not on my speed-dial. I am not your employee. A "Can I talk to Chris" out of the blue is not acceptable. You may feel it is; it is not. No. Stop. "Hello, this is John from XYZ company" is the proper way to start talking to your customer. It doesn't cause pain and doesn't cost money. We are not drinking buddies, friends, lovers, or siblings. You are not calling to shoot the breeze. We are engaged in business with each other. Act that way.

2) Relevant to Rule 1, you are not allowed to take offense if you fail to ID yourself and I say "Who am I speaking to please" instead of answering your question. My question is perfectly reasonable. Lots of random people get phone numbers with the goal of wasting somebody's time with a long-shot cold call or scam. Until I know who's talking to me, you are one of those people wasting my time. Again, I do not have you on speed-dial and so I do not know who you are. This may shock you. Yet once again: We are not drinking buddies, friends, lovers or siblings.

3) When you do work for me and it is sub-standard, you are not allowed to hold a grudge when I point it out to you. The work was not done by me. It was done, poorly, by you. You expect me to pay. I expect to get what I pay for. "Perfect" is nice, but I know how often that is achieved. Instead I expect "properly done". And I will hold you to it.

4) If you legitimately miss something in the scope of work after you tell me you're ready to do the work (or have completed the job) and I notice it, you are not allowed to be upset with me when I tell you I'm not accepting the work yet. See Rule 3. You told me you were ready. The fact that you're not is hardly my doing. You will be making it right.

5) When you need my signature on something that isn't actually due for a month and you call me, a week later, to ask me what's up with me not signing yet, remember that my job is not to make your life convenient. Getting snippy with me over it will not be acceptable either. There was a month's leeway for a reason, and my not hopping to it with a quickness you like is your problem, not mine. You don't deserve a reason, either. Complain when it's five days before the deadline. In fact, you don't actually get to "complain" at all until I'm delinquent. Remember: you set the time window, not me, and we both agreed to it.

6) If in doubt, ASK ME. I don't pay you to assume anything.

7) I'm not going to tell you how to do your job. I will however let you know to be aware of certain things that may not be obvious, before you start. This is not me being bossy. This is me telling you about a customer concern. You can bet I'll remember to check.

8) Prepare yourself for me inspecting the work/product right in front of you. See Rules 3 and 4. If you're worried about my reaction, then take another look at it before I see it.

9) I don't tell you how to do it, but you don't tell me when to be happy. I will honestly tell you what I think of the results of your effort. Deal with it; I don't give you bad money, no fake 100s are coming out of my wallet. Either get a thicker skin or do a better job if you find my assessment negative. You're happy when I praise you, right? You think I'm happy when I don't? I want to tell you that you did a great job, but I am not going to lie. That only hurts me.

10) If these rules seem like an unreasonable hassle made by a jerk, check yourself. Being pissed off because "nobody else has a problem with it" really means "I know it's not quite right, but we get away with this all the time because nobody really notices that flaw". Treat me with a reasonable level of respect. Set reasonable goals and make sure that I agree with them. Do not produce poor work and expect me to accept it; be your own critic first.