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ok i have two hope they are ok.
there is a couple who have been married for 5 years and have sex just about everyday. but everytime the couple are having sex, the husband likes the lights off. soo one day the wife told her self tonight during sex she is going to turn on the lamp by the bed. the night comes and they are in the room going at it when the wife turns on the light and sees that her husband is using a dildo, she asked him. "did you do that every night"? he replied with yes, the the wife all upset said you have explaining to do, then the husband sayed, " i will. but first you explain the kids"
this one is long and some what voulgar. i do hope it is ok since we are adults. if it is not i will edit and take it off. so in advance if it is to voulgar i am sorry.
little johnny went into a cafe. he sat down at the table when the waitress walked over and asked if she could get him anything. johnny replied with yes a cup of coffee please. then the waitress said ok anything else. johnny replied yes PISS! the waitress gets all mad and tells little johnny to leave. so little johnny gets up and before he leaves he says CUNT! and the waitress is all mad screaming and yelling at little johnny. as little johnny was leaving the cafe an officer happend to be outside, he grabed little johnny asked the waitress what happend. so the officer arrested little johnny. soo little johnny had to go to court and when he appeared in front of the judge he told little johnny what the officer told him, so the judge asked johnny why he told the waitress to PISS. little johnny replied i meant PUT IN SOME SUGAR. the judge laughed, and then said but when you left you called her a CUNT, and little johnny replied yes i meant C U NEXT THURSDAY. judge laughed and let him go. before he walked out he sayed your honor **** you. the judge laughed and said what does the mean and little johnny sayed **** YOU.
there were three groups of kids all different ethinicity's all in fourth grade. there was an asian group, a white group, and a hispanic gorup.
one day the asian group wanted to be nice so the wrote on the chalk board TTIA. theacher walks in and mad askes who wrote that. the asia group stand up and sayed we did, the teacher asked why and the student sayed it means TO TEACHER I APPLE. the teacher then said than you.
the next day the white kids decided to be better and wrote TTIO. again the teacher walks in but this time gets mad at the asian group for writing on the chalk board again. but the white kids stand up and said we did it, it says TO TEACHER I ORANGE. again she thanked the students.
so the next day the hispanics group up to be better then the whites, and asians, so they write **** IT. teacher walks in and all upset yelling at the kids and getting mad at the white kids and asians, the hispanic kids stand up and tell the teacher they wrote it. she starts to yell when one child says but teacher is says FROM US CHICANO KIDS I TAMALE
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
just got those in the my email
The Perfect Comeback
>I took my dad to the mall the
>other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
>
>We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
>
>I noticed he was watching someone sitting next to
>him.
>
>The teenager had spiked hair
>in all different colours
- blue, green, orange, red & purple -
and my dad kept staring
>at her.
>
>The teen would look over and find my dad staring, every time.
>
>When she'd finally had enough, she sarcastically asked:
>
>"What's the
>matter old man, never
done anything wild in your life?"
>
>Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke
on his response - I knew he'd
>have a good one!
>
>In classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid:
>
>"Got stoned
>once and screwed a peacock.
I was just wondering
>if you were my daughter."
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