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you said that he was 3 when you and your wife got married... that means you are more of a father figure than his biological father... which brings me to my point...
i did what my parents said because i respected them, they led by example and therefore i could see how being "in line" had it's rewards.. your kid is now having alot of other social distractions going on and what he's doing is assessing how you and your wife make decisions on a daily basis regarding life's obstacles.. it's not that he can't be reached, but maybe there is something wrong with your current choices that he's seeing fault in... perhaps, a situation in the past where you made a mistake against him and he holds on to it.. surely he should be at an age where he can talk about it, but you may need to investigate what the problem was...
another thing is that maybe he's jealous because you and your wife are happy together and he's felt rejection from the opposite sex? rejection from friends or family... if we were talking about a 5-11 year old kid who is just having temper tantrums i could see where breaking out the belt would have it's affects.. when the teenager issues come up, brute force isn't always required... if he's acting out at a level of 6, you don't want to challenge him at 10... it's important that you do not loose control when disiplining him, because that is weakness, esp in todays youth.. staying one notch above will always keep him on the defensive...
for example: he likes slamming his bedroom door? then go take it off the hinges and see how his privacy is reduced... you don't have to yell or get physical, yet you can make the point of respecting the house (property as well as peaceful enviroment) and punishing him for loosing control/being disrespectful/immature/etc
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