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“I saw a product on late night tv. It said, you can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product. Who the f%^k would make their plants hard to reach?! I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully they invent a product before you shrivel and die. And they said, you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to see a product that was available for three easy payments, and one f&*kin' complicated payment. We ain't gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a b!tch: the mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamps will be in the wrong denomination...Good luck f*cker! The last payment must be made in wompum!”
“I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.”
“I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.”
“My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”
“Im sick of "soup of the day" it's time we made a decision, i want to know what "soup from now on" is”
“I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight? Then he said How many of you feel like animals? And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.”
“I tried walking into a Target , but I missed.”
“I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you.”
“I got so much tarter i dont gotta dip my fishsticks in s*it!”
“What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the f&^k is a sesame?! It's a street... It's a way to open sh!t...”
“I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.”
“"I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "F**k it. Cut 'em up."”
“The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're f*&king relentless.”
“Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'”
“Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered.”
“My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. Come on, four billion! F$ck. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.”
“I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow sh*t.”
“You can't please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.”
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