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More from Mitch Hedberg...
“I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...”
“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”
“I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'”
“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”
“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.”
“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'”
“If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...”
“I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.”
“I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”
“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
“I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”
“2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.”
“At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9? I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.”
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