Joke Thread ..... Lets have a laugh

[Tenring]

Originally Posted by Homeless Man

You have to use premium gas in the SS

Nice ....

[Stewart]

Originally Posted by maddoggyusa

good one stewart!!

Thank you. Hope other members keep this going

[RenegadeXR]

Originally Posted by Stewart

With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband...

Oh, I get the punchline. A wife actually still acting seductive post-marriage? Yeah, right.

[Mr. Stacy]

Q. What did the stripper (who drives a Camaro) do with her ass-hole on the way to work?







A. She dropped him off at band practice.

[RenegadeXR]

What did the dyslexic Presbyterian human-sized sentient garden gnome say to the bipolar Canadian astronaut while they were driving down the highway in their Camaro playing their favorite Def Leppard song?










I need to use the restroom. Can we stop at the next turn off?

[jcampos]

Originally Posted by Mike J

Knock knock again

lol I started it for others to pick up off of... I didn't necessarily have a joke to go with it..

[Ragnar]

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher asked him a question. If you have 3 birds on a wire and you shoot one, how many do you have left? Johnny said two. Teacher said that is the wrong answer. The answer is zero. You shoot one and the other two fly away from the noise. So Johnny you got the wrong answer, but I like the way you think!

Johnny's turn!!!!!!

OK teacher, got a question for you. Three ladies sitting on a park bench and they all have popsicles. One is licking it, one is sucking it, and one is biting it. Which one is married? Teacher said the one licking it. Johnny said that is the wrong answer, it's the one with the wedding ring. So teacher, you got the wrong answer, but I like the way you think!

[Ragnar]

So we have a farmer with a very smart pig named Arnold. Arnold helps out around the farm, moving the sprinklers, inspecting the fence line, getting the newspaper, etc. One day the farmer had his tractor jacked up to do some work. The farmer would ask Arnold for a 9/16 wrench and Arnold would get it. Now he needs a flat head screwdriver, Arnold took care of that. Smart pigs even know the differences between tools!!! All of a sudden the tractor falls down and traps the farmer. Arnold sprung into action. He dragged another jack over and got the tractor lifted up. Grabbed the farmer and got him free. Farmer got lucky with minor injuries.

A week goes buy and a neighbor sees that Arnold is missing a leg. So he asked the farmer what happened to Arnold? The response, with a pig that smart, you can't eat it all at once!

[Crim]

Q) How do you kill a Mustang driver?

A) Slam the toilet seat on his head while he's getting a drink.

[CamaroIOM12]

A brunette goes to the doctors office because her entire body hurts. The doctor comes in and asks her where does it hurt? She said everywhere, touches her knee and screams ouch, touches her ear ouch, touches her left thigh and screams ouch again. See it hurts everywhere. The doctor looks her over and asks her do you die your hair? She responds yes, why do you ask? Then he asks her are you a natural blonde? She replies yes again but why do you ask? The doctor tells her I know what's wrong with you...... you have a broken finger.

This joke was not intended to upset anyone its just a joke.

[Royal Tiger]

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are all sitting in the obstetricians office. The red head says I'm having a boy. The others ask how do you know? I was on top when we conceived. The brunette says I must be having a girl, because I was on the bottom. All of sudden the blonde breaks out into hysterical crying. What's wrong the others ask? The blonde screams through her tears, I'm having puppies!!!!

[jrhagen]

DOJ. That's all.

[Ragnar]

We have a balcony and a lady wearing a dress and no panties was leaning over. She fell and managed to grab a light fixture. Now, she was swinging above the crowd. A preacher says, 'what ever man looks up, the lord will make you blind.' A bum looks at the preacher, covers his right eye, looks up and says, 'I'll take a chance with my left eye.'

[kalimus]

Due to overcrowding, God instituted a new policy in Heaven that only allowed in those who had bad days when they died. He instructed St. Peter to implement the policy at 12:00.

At 12:01 the first soul showed up. St. Peter told him the new policy and said "Tell me about your day".

The man replies:
"Ok so picture this: I'm at work in this dead end construction job that I hate. My body is sore, I'm dirty, I'm tired, and I find out they are downsizing. I'm told by my boss that I'm out of a job. So I go out to my car to go tell my wife the bad news, and it didn't start. It's only a couple miles home, so I decided to hoof it. I finally get home, and the elevator to our building is out of commission. I don't normally mind taking the stairs, but we live on the 25th floor of our building. So I have to climb 25 flights of stairs after walking 2 miles home. When I get in the apartment, I find my wife naked with her clothes on the floor next to some other guys! I'm mad as hell, so I'm storming the place looking for this guy. She's running around screaming behind me, and I just can't find him. I happen to glace out on the balcony and see a set of fingers. The guy is hanging out over the edge! So I run out and yell and step on his fingers and he falls. It would have been over, but he fell through all the trees on the way down and somehow survived. I wasn't going to let him off like that, so I pushed our freaking refrigerator off over the balcony and it landed on him. I had such a rush, I had a heart attack, and here I am."

St. Peter says "Well that's quite a terrible day, come on in".

At 12:02 the next man shows up.

"Let's here about your day"

"Ok so picture this: I've just started dating again, so I've been putting in a lot of effort to be fit. I'm outside exercising on the 26th floor of my apartment, when this bird flies right over my head and scares the crap out of me. I panicked and lost my footing, and fell over the side. At first I thought I was lucky, because I somehow caught myself on 25th floor balcony. Then all of a sudden this crazy guy runs out... yelling and screaming at me. He starts stepping on my fingers and I lose my grip. I thought for sure I'm done, but the trees outside helped break my fall, and I was still alive when I finally landed. But THEN the crazy bastard pushes his refrigerator out over the balcony! It landed on me, and well... here I am."

St. Peter scratches his head, shrugs, and says: "Well that's odd... but still awful. Welcome to Heaven."

At 12:03 a third soul shows up wearing absolutely nothing. St. Peter looks squints at him and says "Ok... tell me how this happened".

"Ok so picture this: I'm naked... inside a refrigerator...."